THIS is Madness

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Just one week into summer vacation and already the idea of spending 300 days alone on an island sounds heavenly.

The Queen of Shake Shake helped Madness realize just why the thought of 300 days alone on an island sounds heavenly. Schools Out! Ahhh yes. The joys of Parenting Five Children during Summer Vacation.

Madness' babies have been home from school for

Wednesday night Madness was going over the final preparation check lists with MaxX and she was all "We will not panic. We will not go crazy. (nevermind that one of us is already there) We will have a neat, orderly and organized summer vacation around the MadLands. There will be instructions left for the children daily...yes, LISTS of chores and reminders that the children will be beaten if they fight with each other that the children are responsible for themselves and each other and that we are expecting a tightly run ship around here!"

Yes. Summer Vacation around the MadLands is going to be *perfect* .. because Madness made LISTS. Madness even assured herself that we would NOT be eaten out of house and home by five ravenous beasts healthy growing kids by making daily menus. Yes. Madness is the shit.

Summer Vacation at the MadLands. Day One.
Madness pulled up her cell phone records for Thursday May 29, 2008, having clearly recalled the list on the fridge titled "EMERGENCY contact numbers". We've got mom and dads work and cell numbers, friends and family and co-workers cell, home and work numbers, 911 and the like. Madness cell phone records for Thursday list 39 calls from home. Thirty-nine. There were THIRTY-NINE EMERGENCIES on Thursday at the MadLands...consisting of :

"Teenage daughter wont make me breakfast." Even though Teenage Daughters list clearly states "Make breakfast for T and D". While refusing to feed T and D may constitute an emergency in YOUR book.. it does NOT in mine because ... ITS ON HER LIST. IT SHOULD BE DONE and thus no calls should have been made to Madness reporting that it wasnt.

"Momma, we took the puppies out." THAT is a "status update" which should have been reported during what we call a "Status Update Inquiry Call" placed FROM Madness TO her children, not the other way around... clearly not an emergency.
Other calls consisted of "I cant find any clean pants." "Can I have chips instead of bananas and graham crackers for my snack?" "Teenage Daughter is being mean to me." "The mail is here." ....
You get my drift.

Somewhere around NONemergency call number twenty Madness informed the children that "if my cell phone rings ONE MORE TIME and someone isnt BLEEDING or on FIRE .. I will beat you!" (It's ok.. Madness threatens to beat her children all the time. Its a term of endearment.)

Summer Vacation at the MadLands. Day Two.

Madness received far fewer calls from the MadLands on day two. Madness has deduced the reasoning for this in two parts.
First.. Big Brother was not home. Big Brother spent the night at a friends house. You see.. when Big Brother and Teenage Daughter were running the show on Day One .. there was what we call a Power Struggle. Too many chiefs .. er.. too many indians too, apparently. Big Brother removed .. One Chief left.. no power struggle.
Secondly.. Madness Teenage Daughter had been grounded a few weeks ago. Not just grounded.. oh no. GROUNDED. Madness imposed this exact sentence on Teenage Daughter: Grounded Until Christ Rises Again.

So.. the sucess of Summer Vacation at the MadLands. Day Two could also be contributed to the fact that Madness bribed compromised with Teenage Daughter. "I'll let you do something with your friends this weekend if you keep things under control around here." Deal.

Madness started to count the days till the kids go back to school but decided that she could very well land right back in the mental institution if she did she didnt.
Ahh yes.. Summer Vacation. Working Parents.. how do YOU survive summer vacation with your house, mind, grocery budget and JOB still intact? Madness needs hope ideas.

Stay tuned while Madness makes more lists.