A MadLands Original
Beowulf is the story of Beowulf. The End.
The story of Beowolf begins in a brothel .. only in Denmark back then they called it a Mead Hall .. but never fear .. theres plenty of drinking and singing and shagging goin' on. So, apparently the singing and drunkeness goin on in Heorot (thats the mead hall) ticks off this beastly creature, Grendel.
Allow Madness to digress. We've got the King and the Queen, right. Well, the King is a drunken nasty bastard ... and he has this golden horn lookin thing and apparently this horn thing is special.
So anyway, the King has no children...except one... but he doesnt count, because he's a nasty freakish monster. MmmHmm. Mr drunken nasty bastard King man apparently got Angelina Jolies goodies and knocked her up..only it wasnt Angelina Jolie .. it was some shape shifter sort of character so the 'baby' was.. you guessed it .. a nasty freakish monster. Grendel.
Ok, so.. apparently the singing and drunkeness goin on in the brothel ticks off Grendel ... so he comes in and goes nuts. Kills a bunch of brothel-goers and damn near steps on and squooshes the Queen, who in this particular story is actually a good girl, no wickedness here. Just when you think Grendels gonna take the Queen out like a grape on a grocery store floor..the drunken nasty bastard King wobbles over and challenges Grendel to "Fight Me!.. Figght Me!" .. but Grendel DOESNT .. he runs home to his lair where momma (Angelina Jolie) is waiting for him. Momma tells Grendel that he needs to stop snacking on humans but Grendel isnt hearing it because, well, apparently we are all kinds of tasty.
Enter Beowulf. Beowulf shows up and meets Mr drunken nasty bastard King man on shore and declares "I am Beowulf and I am here to kill your monster" .. only he says "Muun-steh" and that made Madness giggle.
So Beowulf and his boyz post up in the brothel and then Beowulf decides he will fight Grendel nekkid. MmmHmm .. nekkid. Only dont get too excited, member Beowulf is all digitally animated or whatever.. but still ... nekkid. Beowulf says "Grendel fights with no weapon, Beowulf will fight with no weapon" or something like that. You get the idea.
Sure enough.. Grendel shows up..and Nekkid Beowulf kicks his butt. Grendel ends up with his left wrist bound by a huge chain and gets his arm caught in the door as he tries to run like a bitch. Beowulf slams the door on his arm over and over and over and its all so cool cause he's shouting "I am the Ripper..Tearer..Slasher..Gouger. I am the Teeth in the Darkness, the Talons in the Night. Mine is strength..and Lust.. and Power. I am BEOWULF" .. and Madness shuddered and sqealed and begged MaxX to "play it again! play it again!!"
So Grendel runs his punk one armed ass home and dies .. but not before he tells Momma who did it.. of course.
So now Momma is pissed..cause thats what mommas DO when their babies get hurt.. they get cray-zay. So Momma slinks over there to the brothel where Beowulf and his boyz are posted up and Momma makes an example of Beowulfs boyz, while he is sleeping. He wakes up and finds every last one of his boyz dead and hung over the rafters like yesterdays laundry. And WOW, Madness didnt realize this was such an long story ... she thinks she has ADD or something.
Where were we? Oh yeah.. Madness er, Momma makin an example out of Beowulfs boyz. So, Beowulf goes over to have a word with Momma. And what happens next? Angelina Jolie pulls a Brangelina on him and is all "give me a son and I will give you eternal life blah blah blah..whatever" Remember that gold horn thingy that Mr drunken nasty bastard King man had? Well, he gave it to Beowulf and Beowulf took it with him when he went to have a word with Angelina.
There is probably more of a significance here than Madness is letting on.. but she probably wasnt paying much attention at that point because Madness trailed off a few times. Anyway.. Angelina/Momma tells Beowulf that as long as SHE has posession of the gold horn thingy that he will have the world in his hands, basically. So, they do the deed and Beowulf goes back and tells the peoples that he slew Momma.. liar liar pants on fire.
Blah Blah Blah... fast forward.. here comes Beowulfs SON.. oh yeah.. only BEOWULFS son is no punk ass bitch monster boy.. nuh-uh.. hes a gold dragon. And of course Beowulf kills him. Blah Blah. So, by now Madness has had *plenty* of wine and while she remembers a significant "Boo-yaw" part of this story..she isnt sure if she's got this in the right order... but eh.. whatever.
So.. remember Angelina Momma told Beowulf that as long as SHE posessed the gold horn thingy he'd be all BradPitt an'shit. Well, Angelina Momma is one slick sly bitch.. she sends the gold horn thingy BACK to Beowulf .. yep.. thats right.. "Deals OFF" she says.. and "I can *DO* that cause I just gave the gold horn thing BACK so now I dont have it!" Boo-yaw! Only Beowulf is no punk and he takes that gold horn thing right back to her and says "Like hell biatch"
And thats pretty much where Mandess recollection stops.
THIS is Madness
Friday, May 30, 2008
A MadLands Original
Posted by Madness at 9:27 AM