THIS is Madness

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Where Typhoid Suzie is actually Lotus Carroll

Madness has been M.I.A. for holy shit three and a half days. Raise your hand if you ever fell in love with Michael J Fox drivin a Delorian? SideNote: What was so hot about MichaelJFox again?
Theres been some serious Back to the Future shit goin on around the MadLands. Not just Back to the Future shit .. but some BadJuJu shit and a little of that DontComeNearMeTyphoidSuzie shit too, where TyphoidSuzie is actually Lotus Carroll and oh yes I did just call your bitch ass out like that because yes bitch .. your computer sickness has spread over to here and yeah, Madness was all 'get the hell out' about it too!
You see Internet, just last week Lotus .. a week ago SUNDAY to be exact, Lotus was blog blog bloggin away and blam-oh her PC was toast. She ended up having to pimp herself out to the Techies. If youre at all familiar with her ordeal then you probably recall that Madness was all cracked up over Lotus' promise to touch the Techis no-no spot and she wouldnt let it rest.
Cause of Lotus' PC Death: Fried out Power Source.
So last week while the fate of everything that is Sarcastic Mom hung in the balance, Lotus didnt let her adoring readers down. She still managed to come to us using an old cast away computer that had long seen its last day.
Well, Internet. Guess the Fuck What! This past Sunday night .. Madness computer died.
Cause of Death: Fried out Power Source. Get the fuck out!
So right now, Madness is coming to you Internet .. on a CastAway computer that has long seen its last day. (Ok not *totally* but MaxX did have to perform emergency surgery in order to get it up and running). Oh .. and as far as Madness having to promise to touch HER Techies no-no spot .. well, Madness is a lucky girl .. she married her Techie .. so it's all aces on that tip.
Moving right along ...
Shit has been all Back To The Future these last few days as Madness was forced to relive what life was like before the Internet. No freakin joke. Cause not ONLY did Madness' home PC tank .. the bosses at the job decided that the finger shaking at last weeks meeting hadnt quite got the point across on the No Internet At Work subject so they took that a step further. Where a step further was SHUTTING OUR SHIT OFF.
Fuck yes they did.
And is Madness cussing a whole lot more these days?
So Madness has had zero internet,nada, nothin, she had nothin .. for three and a half days. Hello 1994.

why Madness has changed her jammies TWICE in less than 30 minutes

All Im sayin is .. click THIS and read it. Now.

Then click THIS and read that. Then. Later. Which would then be now.

You can thank me later. Then. Now. Later. WhenEVER.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Good Shit

Clean Kitchen
Dishwasher noise
Folded Laundry
The sound of the vacuum being run in MY SONS ROOM .. BY MY SON (that theres enough to make certain parts tingle, no?)
Wet towels drying on the fence
Wrinkly fingered kids with blue lips fresh out of the pool
Easy like Sunday Mornin
Blue Skies
Warm Sun
Shit gets no better than this.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Tits List

So if my READER has been paying attention ... READER will notice that Madness has added some new blogs to the blogroll. And we aint talkin plain old blogs here people .. oh no .. Madness has added blogs that are THA SHIT. One of Madness fav fav fav blogs at the moment is Undomestic Diva and Madness feels STOOPID linking to her site because 99% of Madness hits today will come FROM her site but a girls gotta link where a girls gotta link.

blah blah blah **Madness is cutting straight to the proverbial chase for 2 reasons .. shes gonna be late for work and she's gotta shit** (youre welcome)

Tits List

~Nirvana Smells Like Teen Spirit and the INTERNET and CD Burner that allows me to indulge.
~Weather resembling Warm Water with a sprinkle of Chlorine
~New Blogs
~Undomestic Diva because she refers to her husband as Candy Ass and that cracks the shit outta Madness
~Craving Silence because she hearts me
~The Blogess because she makes beverages come out of my nose.
~Bossy because she IS the Boss.
~The kids new pool.
~My new house
~My dishwasher who is my new BFF
~My husband who has yet to leave me.

Oh OH OH Madness will have to resume later .. DOOTY CALLS

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Tag Madness is IT

So .. this stupid hussy tagged me for this fucking meme. Madness had no idea what a MEME was until now. (ok ok .. still dont really know totally .. is it MEME because its all about MEME??)

Today Madness had to sit thru a "huddle" at work .. ya'll might know this kind of thing to be a meeting but where Madness works they call it a "huddle". Right. Ok. Todays huddle was of the "You've all been very naughty and we're going to warn you one last time before we axe your asses" sort.

We covered dress code, cell phone usage, Internet usage .. even sunglasses. Yes, Internet .. we were scolded for wearing sunglasses atop our heads upon entering the building. But I digress. We covered Internet usage... and Madness felt her bosses (plural) laser beam eyes slicing and dicing Madness ass into a bazillion pieces. Because yes, Madness is guilty of excessive Internet usage. Guilty.

Madness knows that bosses dont like excuses so she jotted notes on her Huddle Minutes paper such as "Guilty" and "Stop it" and "NO MORE INTERNET BEFORE YOU GET YOUR ASS DOOCED IDIOT" and shit like that. All the while wanting to shout out "checking blogs and email in between {what i do at the job .. detail withheld because its too much work to splain what i do} is what keeps me GOING!! Its the JOLT OF LIFE I NEED people!!"
And what the hell was Madness saying?

Oh .. Madness got tagged... for a meme.

8 Life Goals

Live long life.

Live long happy life.

Live long happy life full of love.

Live long happy life full of love and laughter.

Live long happy life full of love and laughter with MaxX watching children grow.

Live long happy life full of love and laughter with MaxX watching children grow and make their own long happy lives full of love and laughter.

Easy like Sunday Morning.

See this through.

You see .. when it comes to matters of Madness .. Madness gets vague .. thats just how I roll.
Madness bets that'll teach that stupid hussy not to tag Madness again. Or will it?

Ok Ok .. here goes .. for reals this time.
~Raise kind gentle children.

~Regain the unbreakable bond that IS MaxX and Me.

~Renew my vow to love, honor and obey the only person who has refused to give up on me .. who has never allowed me to lay down and die no matter how hard Ive tried.

~Figure out what I really want to be when I grow up .. then go back to College and knock that shit out.


~Be forgiven.


~Be trusted.


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I can has Readers?

Madness blog stats are finally showing improvement since moving from WordPress.

Madness is even getting readers back again.

*sigh* now if only all these lurking lovers would leave a bitch a comment ...

*to those lurking lovers who are leaving a bitch a comment .. madness hearts you*

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

where Madness becomes HATED around the office with a single click of the mouse

Today Madness sent an email to all of her co-workers .. it went a little something like this.

"867 5309
You can thank me later. "

Madness is loathed at the moment .. and she cares not.

Welcome to this edition of "This cant possibly be happening .. again"

Thats right folks .. Madness is at a loss for a worthwhile post because Madness is teetering on the edge of yet another ManicMeltDown.

Envy me ... you know you do.

Please stay tuned while Madness scrapes together bail money.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

SneakPeek ~ MaxX and Madness ~ The Weekend Edition

Madness: "I bought the kids a pool .. $99 pool on sale for $30"
(because yes, world, its kinda late in the season to be putting up a pool .. but MaxX, Madness and the babies moved at the end of July .. so putting up a pool at the beginning of the season would have been stupid. So just shut the fuck up with all that "kinda late dontcha think" shit, k?)

MaxX: "A pool? Isnt it kinda late in the season for a pool?"

Madness: "Shut the fuck up."

~*~hours later .. MaxX is running errands .. Madness has informed him that she will set up the pool while he is gone and wont MaxX he oh so proud of her when he gets home and she has set up the pool*~

16 minutes after MaxX leaves the house .. his cell phone rings .. its his Madness.

Madness: "I dont know how to do this daddy"

MaxX: "I KNOW. "

And so it was that MaxX and his buddy got to stand around and talk MadShit about his wife .. who thought she was tha'shit who could put a kiddie pool together all by herself.

And when Madness found out that MaxX and his buddy laughed and laughed at her expense .. MaxX didnt get laid for days. The End.

I kid. I kid.
You see, Internet. Madness could have put that kiddie pool together all by herself. (not really, shhh) But she chose not to because then how would she get to watch MaxX do manly things in the sweltering summer heat? And that MaxX was doing manly things in the sweltering summer heat and he was doing them for his wife and babies .. irresistibly sexy. Oh. Hell. Yes.

Babies falling from the sky .. or out of vaginas .. or whatever .. and a BitchSlap thrown in for good measure

Its been in the water around here for months and no, Madness aint drinking (for once, I know!) It started a few months ago .. "So'an'so is pregnant .. she's pregnant, she is, and her too"
Yay so happy for ya'll. Really.
And so now, naturally.. the births have begun.

MadCongrats to Tori and Blake who welcomed Lily Rhyann last week .. Big Big BIG Congrats to Gramma Lynn .. who Madness totally hearts .. a lot.

K&K will be welcoming AnnaBell soon .. now Internet, that is a birth that Madness simply CAN NOT WAIT FOR!! (Details withheld .. but lets just say that if that baby comes out with a tan .. Madness wont be surprised. At all.)

Speaking of things Madness CAN NOT WAIT FOR .. Madness has been looking forward to Monday all weekend long. Insane, you say? Not so much. Considering Madness opened a new bank account on Thursday and deposited half of her paycheck to open the account. Nice Bank Manager Lady who opened the account told Madness that she would have access to these funds on Saturday. Friday afternoon at oh about 4:30 Madness called the bank to make sure said funds would indeed be available because the kids like to eat on the weekend an'shit. Nice Bank Teller Lady assured Madness that all funds would be available.

Saturday morning Madness went to the evil institution of satan to withdraw this weeks grocery fund. Or so she thought. Evil Bitch Lady at the only branch open on Saturday kept saying things like "Unfortunately" and "Apologize" and "Unfortunately" and Madness kept saying things like "Unacceptable" and "Unacceptable" and "I dont want to hear you say "unfortunately" again, in fact, I dont want to hear you say anything else!" an'shit like that.

So Madness is looking forward to Monday morning when she will walk into the evil institution of satan and find out just how much they are going to compensate her for all that bullshit that never should have happened because bitch TOLD ME my funds would be available and they werent.
Madness wonders if the Nice Teller Lady who lied to her spent her weekend laughing her ass off at the stupid schlep that thought she was getting phat cash Saturday morning and didnt. Bet she did .. which is why Madness wont feel bad at all when she reaches out and bitch slaps that "How may I help you" grin right off her face.

Its times like these that make MaxX search high and low because he knows theres a bottle of Depakote around here somewhere and SamPleaseCalmDown ...

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Where Madness takes a moment before she has a word .. for once

Remember when Madness was all "woohoo Barack and Hillary is sooo gonna happen" an'then Barack and Hillary didnt happen after all. Well, Madness got all worked up for a minute there and even sat down to write Mr.Obama a letter. Madness is always sayin shes gonna write a letter about this and that .. but Madness never does. Call that lazy or call that ADD, whatever. Point is .. this time Madness started writin' that letter. It went a little something like this:

Dear Barack,
Umm yeah ... about that. I thought we discussed this, I thought we had an understanding. 'Member I was all "Do it Barack, you know you wanna .. just do it" I mean, I know I didnt come right out and say "Put Hill on the ticket with you" but I was pretty ding dang clear about this"

And then .. something really strange happened ... a voice spoke and Madness heard it. (Please dont tell anyone about the hearing voice thing .. it could cause trouble, ok? thanks) Something said to Madness, "Madness, what if Barack and his camp know a thing or two that you dont?" and Madness was all "Say what? As IF! Pshaw!"

So Madness set out to learn her up on some Biden .. and this article here was all Madness really needed to read and now she's all "Huh, mmkay then, alright .. yeah .. certainly Barack knows what he's doing .. so Rock On Barack and Biden .. Rock On." Sure there are things about this Biden character that make parts of my head itch .. but who am I, anyway.

It makes enough sense ah'reckon .. if you put it like that, Madness can see where Hill isnt so much ying to Baracks yang afterall. (*teehee Madness said "Baracks yang") Madness doesnt doubt that Hill will find herself in the place where she is meant to be.

And so it came to be .. Barack and Biden .. sittin in a tree ...

Friday, August 22, 2008


Madness wont live forever. Madness days are numbered.
Is any of this or them worth losing every last day with she who is Mad?


Have it your way. Madness wont squander what little she has left being undone by you or them. You want to be consumed with hate and anger .. with a terrible thirst for blame?


But youre gonna do it without me. There arent enough days left in life to throw them away over this bullshit.


You Didnt See the IRONY Before You Clicked Send !?!

MaxX did ... the hilarity and absurdity too.

Madness will come.


Eww. There is just NO excuse for this.

Madness has learned that it is best to protect the identity of those she makes examples of.
Nah.. she just had to blow the pic up so you could get the full effect of MsYuckMouth in all her glory.
*** Update ***
Never Fear Internet .. Madness has taken action!

A gift ... for YuckMouth .. Compliments of Madness.
And if that doesnt work ... never fear, never fear ... Madness has this on order.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Not Last Night but the Night Before

Easy like Sunday mornin .. only it was easy like Sunday Evening because Sunday morning was a fuzzy blurry haze on account of lots of weekend wine and MadLove. Ok fine, weekend beer, details.

Easy like Sunday Evenin .. Madness kicked back in ThreeDollahChair and shot the shit with MaxX while he grilled chicken and burgers and hawtdawgs. The air was fresh, the sky was blue and the sun was warm .. but not too warm because Madness doesnt do heat. Soon babies and puppies joined MaxX and Madness outside and the silliness was kicked up a few notches.

There is nothing Madness hearts more than Easy like Sunday Evenings with MaxX and the babies being as silly as silly can be. Nothing.

Meanwhile, Madness was blog hopping Saturday night and dont you just love blog hopping? Oh Oh Oh ... and did you know that Madness is sure and certain that she will die young? From Cancer? Madness has always known this. Dont ask .. cause I wont tell .. but it could be because Madness mother was robbed of her life .. by cancer. Or it could be that Madness is just irrational and crazy.
Regardless, Madness spent a good part of Saturday and Sunday getting to know PunkRockMommy. You should too.

Please stay tuned while Madness regroups.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Madness hearts MadOlympic Moments

Madness hearts the Olympics ... most 'specially the summer games ... swimming, gymnastics, basketball, diving and track and field make Madness go 'ooh yeah'.

This year you either know all about Michael Phelps or you live under a rock. Michael Phelps pulled off a MadOlympic Moment that gave Madness the chills. Check it out here. Dont worry, its a story in pictures for your viewing pleasure ... so dont be a boob go have a looksie.

Friday, August 15, 2008


"Mom, please dont put these on your blog" ... "Nobody you know will see these pics, TeenageDaughter" ... "But Dad says youre becoming famous, like Bossy"
Oh. Hells. Yes.
Right after TeenageSon was threatened with death if he didnt put the gameboythingie away and POSE FOR YOUR MOTHER!!! ....

Yes, Madness owns one more child .. but he was on his bus before Madness was dragged out of bed this morning .. stay tuned .. he does to exist!!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Because Bossy is the Boss like that

Russia invaded Georgia .. say what?
No, Fool .. not Georgia USA .. and certainly not Georgia Getz
No Madness cant break that shit down for you
But Bossy can ... because shes the Boss like that.

Yes'sir Thems Ma'Babies

T&D posing for Madness before school ... because this years uniforms are just that cute!

Ahh.. but do you see that look D is giving Madness? Do you see it?

Can you guess which child had to be threatened with bodily injury to pose for these pics?

MmmHmm ... Baby D was not havin' it.

Baby D (as in Diva) only poses freely when she feels it. Baby T on the other hand .. is always ready for her close up.

Friday, August 8, 2008

They are SORRY!?!

Madness computer is SORRY, but it REFUSES to UPLOAD photos from her KodakEasyShare.
What the fuck!?!
God hates Madness.

Sooo... since satanspawncomputer wont upload at the moment .. Madness has had to resort to the Paint feature on satanspawncomputer.

Madness wanted to share with you a photo of Madness' TeenageDaughter sportin her new glasses. As MaxX reported to Madness after her eye doctor appointment, "TeenageDaughter is as blind as a damn bat." Oh. Good thing you just ordered her glasses then, huh?

And man, oh, man did they order up some glasses. MaxX and Madness have style. MmmHmm. MaxX and Madness produced five very stylish children... as demonstrated here:
I know. Madness makes no damn sense.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Madness knows it sucks ... she knows

NO this isnt the PHUN new look for the MadLands you heard about days and days ago ... but quite honestly.. Madness just hasnt had the time or .. uh ... attention span to tweak her blog the way she wanted to.
Never Fear .. I'll get around to it.

Sunday, August 3, 2008


MaxX and Madness went shopping today on account of it was way past time to whip up some BBQ ... and oh my gah what did we spot at the local grocery?

Somebody please break this down for Madness. Please.

Saturday, August 2, 2008


GoodTimes around the MadLands today. The day started with MaxX and Madness cleaning and organizing the garage. Next we cut down somethingberry trees. Followed by a cold shower because it was a zillion degrees out there today, people. A zillion.
For anyone out there wondering how MaxX and Madness entertain themselves on breezy hot Saturday mornings ... here's a sneak peek. For those of you who come to the MadLands to drink up every detail of our lives ... here's a Big Gulp.
and do you know how many times Madness had to upload this photo before she stopped deleting it in edit? A lot.

Ha! Ya'll thought Madness was trickin with you when she said that BritBrit is a vicious beast of an animal ... more times than not this is whats really goin on ... BritBrit bringing Rotham within an inch of his life.

Maddy lovin on Rotham.

Maddy lovin on BritBrit.Best Friends For Life.
The rest of the day around the MadLands? Cold Beer. Smokin BBQ. Old Friends. Bliss.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Madness is Gonna Get Dooced .. so she's gonna LAY OFF OF IT for a while from work .. k?

For Reals .. No More MadLands from work ... or Madness is gonna get Dooce'd.

Madness life is coming together .. its all coming into order .. so now Madness will have plenty of time to tend to her Internetlings from home .. and not work .. and maybe, just maybe, she wont get Dooce'd.

We shall see.

The MadLands are being overhauled .. stay tuned!

This is gonna be phun!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

~ Something is Stirring ~

Do you feel that?
Something is coming.

Like a thief in the night
as stealth as the whisper of the wind ...

He has been called.
and He has come.

because Thats How I Roll

How do you manage to SHUT MADNESS UP almost entirely? Sit her down at 2:00 am .. only 2 hours after she and the family finally finish moving. Thats how.

I keep finding myself sitting here staring at the screen.. knowing that I have this this this and that to tell ya'll ... yet my eyes just blur over and ... nothing.

Madness has been fussin at MaxX for days now to "stop letting me leave the house without my camera!!" Today, MaxX brought the camera along for me. Madness hearts MaxX.

But get this ... Madness had camera in hand all ding dang day and failed to snap pics of the best parts of the day!
Failed, Internet!! Which just proves that the problem doesnt lie with MaxX not reminding Madness to take her camera with her when she leaves the house ... the problem lies with Madness remembering to use the dang thang. Obscene.

MaxX and Madness met Cool Lady today. Dont know Cool Lady's name but she's cool. Cool Lady had a poster thingie that she made back in the day. It looked kinda like this:
Yeah ... Madness had camera in hand when she stood in Cool Lady's garage and took in the curious wonder of this poster thingie. Did Madness snap a pic ... hells no. Because thats how I roll.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Never Fear Constant Reader ~ Stephen is gonna sue Madness

Madness is returning, Internet. In addition to DeathWatch2008 starring BritBrit and Rotham .. Madness and the family moved over the weekend. Internet isnt yet working at the new place, even though AT&T said it would be working by 8pm yesterday. Now they are saying it will be on tomorrow.
Evil Rae of Death, anyone?
So yeah ...

Brit Brit is home .. Rotham is still making us worry some but he's not throwing up or spewing blood from his butt .. so we are hopeful. Worried but hopeful.

Stay Tuned Internet ... Madness is on her way back ... with MadStories to tell!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Madness wants her ticket OUT of the Twilight Zone, K?

BritBrit is coming home today ... everybody say "Yay!"

Yeah .. well .. these are the MadLands .. 'member?

Rotham is sick.
Yes Internet, you heard Madness.

This is Madness.

Monday, July 21, 2008

BritBrit Onasis

Afternoon Report:

BritBrit has had NO loose or bloody stool today.

**I can see clearly now the rain is gone**


Oh .. almost forgot .. *HI Crazed Stalkers* .. yes, I'm looking at YOU.

PuppyUpdate V .. VI .. ?? aka .. Madness cant see straight anymore ..

Dr Anderson says BritBrit is making "puppy steps" (pardon his pun) ... she is now shitting pudding as opposed to spraying the joint down with diareah ..
WOOHOO Brit.. thats my GIRL!!
He says she is also being more wiggly and feisty when they handle her and change her fluids, so thats a good sign too. He thinks maybe another 24 hours in wonderland and she just might pull through this.

Madness refers to the hospital as wonderland because by the time we're done paying for this we might as well have bought

Oy Vey.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

PuppyUpdate IV

BritBrit is in the trusted hands of Dr Anderson as we speak. He says she needs Fluids, Antibiotics, Crossed Fingers and Prayers. She will be spending the weekend in the hospital.

She has to make it, Internet. She just has to.

PuppyUpdate III

BritBrit Onasis isnt getting better. Do you hear me, Internet? She isnt getting better.

Stay tuned while Madness considers talking to the guy downstairs ... because NO, Internet ... Im not going to watch her die. Im not.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Puppy Update II

Rotham is still doing well .. he seems to have snapped out of it. Thank you Jeebus.

BritBritOnasis on the other hand is still draggin her little ass. The vet gave her the same treatment that Rotham got ... we brought her home last night and she rested .. we were hoping that the morning would bring our fiesty bratty ornery crazy-whacka-a-doodle-doggie back to us.

She doesnt seem to be getting worse .. but she hasnt snapped back to health in the blink of an eye like Sir Rotham did.

Please stay tuned while Madness pulls God aside and jacks him up.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Puppy Update

Rotham is holding strong .. doing well still today.

Now BritBrit is sick. Yes Internet, it's true ... BritBrit is sick.

We have an appointment at the vet at 4:45 today.

Stay Tuned while Madness has another word with God.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Standing Vigil .. ok .. not that serious ... yet.

Madness doesnt even know where to begin..

To start though.. apologies in advance if this is the worst, most blumbering blog post ever .. but youre just gonna hafta understand...

Rotham is sick... and Im not talkin about 'got into the trash upset tummy sick' .. we're talkin Death Sentence Sick .. and NO Im not overreacting , Internet!

Allow Madness to digress so's that you understand what we're talkin'bout here.

'member last Saturday .. blah blah Family visit with Friends .. blah blah .. Rotham and Brit visit with sister Cookie .. blah blah ..... No? click here and catch up, k?

Youre back? Are you caught up? Good.

.. so yeah .. Madness has been holdin out on ya, Internet... only because she just couldnt choke up the balls to actually say it .. but now she has to.

Cookie, Rotham and Brits sister, died Monday morning.

Parvo. Oh Dear God I Said It.

We didnt know Cookie was sick when we went to visit. We didnt know. By the time we were told that Cookie "wasnt acting like herself lately" it was too late. By then all we could do was watch and wait. It was too late.

Our vet said that if they were going to get sick .. it would happen within 5-10 days. Today is day four.

If you recall .. Madness was suppose to be in training all day *shudder*. Blah Blah ...

1:00 pm - Madness phone rings. "I finally got you!" ... "Ive been in meetings..whats up" ... "Mom, when I opened the kennel to take the puppies out, Rotham wouldnt come .. he wouldnt RUN mom!" ... "Call Dad ... NOW".

1:30 pm - MaxX confirms ... Rotham is not well.

2:19 pm - Message from MaxX .. "Call me!"

3:00 - 2 hours and 17 calls to every vet in the tri-county area (seriously) ... Madness is on the rush home .. we have an appointment ...cities and counties away... with the only vet open and compassionate enough to see us.

4:10 - MaxX, Madness, Brit and Rotham arrive in PoeDunkVille .. we were given instructions to pull around back and the vet would meet us outside ... yeah ... it is that serious.

(Madness is digressing again.. deal with it) ...

Reader, are you a Mom? or a Dad? Have you ever held your sick child in your arms and felt hopeless and desperate when overhearing a doctor or nurse say something that made you look at your child and into your soul and fear for their life? I have.

Today it happened again.

The vet tech lady that met us behind the animal hospital took a fecal sample from my Rotham and the only words she said after seeing the swab were "thats not good" ... and Madness almost collapsed.

You see, Internet, Madness didnt realize that these two pups found themselves a place in the deepest depths of her heart .. until today. Phooey me all you want ... those pups are my babies every bit as much as her, him, him, her and her.

6:30 pm - MaxX, Madness, Brit and Rotham arrive home. Rotham got him some IV fluids, a nice IM injection of antibiotics and an anti-inflamatory and we're home ... to watch .. and wait.

Rotham is doing well. He's hydrated and rested and seems to be pulling through. We are still very much in 'watch and wait' mode ... but we are hopeful.
We are watching Brit closely too .. and thus far, she shows zero signs of ailment. MaxX and Me discussed the fact that Brit is just plain too damn full of FIRE to get sick. Ornery little Bitch. Just like her Momma.

Why Madness has a Lump on her Head

Does anyone out there know how Madness feels about sitting through Meetings or Training Sessions? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller?

Madness has a hard time sitting through a 30 minute meeting ... today Madness is in training ALL.DAY.LONG. Two hours in to it and Madness already has a concussion from BEATING HER HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.

Today is going to suck donkeyballs.

Monday, July 14, 2008

because Madness does NOTHING right ...

... and Madness doesnt have a word to say. Not. one. word.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Money Shot

Today MaxX and Madness and all 7 babies visited with Friends. Friends are the owners of Brit and Rothams sister, Cookie. Friends and Cookie have a houseguest, Chico, a 3 year old chiuaua who believes he's an eighty pound rotweiller named Brutus. Thats Chico running to catch up with MaxX, Rotham and Brit.

Chico is very friendly and made sure that he personally introduced himself to Brit and Rotham.

Brit, Rotham and Chico had an easy like Sunday Morning kind of day..running the yard, digging holes, playing with kids ...

and then ... things got a little too friendly..

wait for it ...

The Money Shot

Friday, July 11, 2008

Because Madness and Dooce are like *this*

Seriously though ... Dooce is so totally consumed with MadEnvy!

Earlier today Madness told ya'll about watching Grease and having a kick ass theme song to accompany her through the day. Madness was at work when she posted that and was sneaking around on the internet so's that she could share that with you .. at the risk of being Dooced, internet! Madness hopes youre appreciative of her sacrifice!
Anyway .. last night was the first time Madness watched Grease in sixteen years and she came to a realization ... and DAMNED if Dooce didnt have that same.ding.dang. realization herself! Today! No joke. Only one small difference .. Dooce is talkin'bout Grease II with Michelle Pfeifer and Madness is talkin'bout Grease with OliviaNewtonWhatsHerName.. John Travolta. Click here to see what Dooce had to say bout'that.

Speakin of Dooce and my post from earlier today ... remember that other bit of random madness that was forgotten just that fast ?
Here it is .. (what a coincidence .. this here is also compliments of Dooce) Yes, you gotta click that link too so's you can read the caption for this particular dose of The Daily Chuck .. you can thank me later.

Madness hearts this particular dose of The Daily Chuck because she would rock that hair if she could pull it off ... oh.hell.yes.she.would.

Grease is the word ...

Madness is a lucky girl today because last night was Movie Night with the kiddies. We watched Strange Brew .. "Take off Hoser!!" ha!

But more importantly .. we watched Grease ! Oh Yeah.

And so Madness is a lucky girl today because Madness has the Grease theme song IMBEDDED in her brain. Imagine living your life with the theme song to Grease as your background music. Oh Yeah.

Guess what .. there was one more random thing that Madness was going to share with you, constant reader .. but she forgot .. that fast. Wooosh!

Eh. Check back I guess.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Im just saying

Seriously though..

Madness isnt a total bitch (or psycho, or lunatic or whatever else ya'll are calling me ... yeah I know em all) ... and neither are you.

Vicki may [details omitted because Madness isnt trying to put it ALL out there ... *yet* .. ] .. but Vicki also bakes kick ass cakes for her kids birthdays .. and shes a nurse. MmmHmm. RN baby. Registered Nurse. So Vicki is no numb brain either. Vicki is a beautiful woman, mother of wonderful children.. shes lived through unimaginable despair ... pain the likes of which you and I have never known... and she continues to live and raise her family and face each day. Bear, I have great respect for you. I truely do. Love, Madness.

Laura may [details omittied because Madness isnt tyring to put it ALL out there ... *yet* .. ] .. but Laura is also the mother of a beautiful daughter. I know nothing more of M that what Ive seen in the pictures that I had no business looking at .. but what I know of Lauras daughter is that she is a happy, healthy, kind, smart, loved and cared for young lady who is becoming a young woman and discovering her way in life. I respect thtatLaura is a hard working single mother who has her head on straight and tight. I envy the bond between Laura and Jacki .. or at least the bond I imagine they have. Everyone needs to have their girls at their side.

Sam. Youre just a kid. Lord knows there isnt a day that passes that I dont want to smack that cheshire grin straight off your face ... but at the same time there isnt a day that passes that Im not aware that ... youre just a kid. If you really are pregnant .. I wish you all the best. This is a time in your life that you should cherish for eternity and beyond. I honestly hope that youve got your life in order by the time your child arrives. This is it Sam. I truely wish you all the best in life. (I was bein all nutso whacko cause I just wanted you to stay out of mine).

Riss. Oy Vey. Riss. Am I going here? yeah.. I am .. on account of youre still here. Again I have MadRespect for you. Wife and mother of four kick ass kids. MadRespect for putting your mind to it and going back to school, sister... hells yeah.. I did that myself... it was an awesome experience that I wasnt quite ready for at the time .. but I got a lot out of it and hope to finish one day. So yeah.. I respect you for all that.

Im just sayin.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Madness Hearts Lurking Readers

Another of Madness' fav things to do is to visit her statcounter and try to figure out who each of her readers is.

Madness has a spot on some of you ...
Others are keeping her guessing.
Oh What Fun!

Dont worry readers ... Madness will post again soon and give you more of the PUREMadness that you just.cant.resist.


Sunday, July 6, 2008


Post 4th of July Recovery .. also knows as July 5th.

Attempt to get up.
Eat BBQ hubby dutifully and lovingly prepared.
Drive to sons friends house and deliver video game connector jack wire for multiple game system thingie whatever that thing is.
Video Store! Score!
Watch cool flick with hubby and kids that made us all go 'the END?!?!"...
followed by realization that cool flick is based on a literary series ... Aces.!
Crazy Pups .. sit, beg, do anything for a treat.
CoolCat .. Noisy Kitty.
Monkey eating Kitties.
Misbehaving ornery daddies.
Giggly babies.
Heating pads.
Nose Bleeds.
The curse of 2:32 am broken at last!


Dear StepMother,

Confess your secret to her ... if your child has a secret that warrants tearful confession ...
then you owe her the knowledge of it.


View this weeks online secrets at

Madness momma ...

ha! MaxX. which one of these is Madness momma?

About that...

Click here to read about this thingy: (they call it The Large Hadron Particle Collider) dont be lazy, click it.... about that ... uh ... hmmm ... yeah.
Madness has these thoughts .. in no particular order:
1) Armageddon
2) The End of Days
3) Didnt your momma ever teach you not to fuck with shit that could destroy human kind?
4) Duck and Cover
5) Shock and Awe .. ha!
6) uh ... hmmm ... yeah.

Saturday, July 5, 2008


One of Madness fav things to do is visit and click through the photos of the week ... since Madness knows not everyone does this.. she thought she'd share some of her favs with you ...

You can thank me later.This photo was taken earlier this year and tugs so very strongly at Madness' heart .. you see.. Madness stood in this very spot as a child .. time and again .. looking to the heavens in awe. This is a photo of the space shuttle Endeavor lifting off during the night. You cant fully appriciate the fantastic wonder thru a mere photo, but trust Madness .. this is an awesome event.
Because Madness was once a young girl .. and perhaps, reader, so were you ... and because Madness has three young girls ... this photo makes Madness squeal and sigh .. because times they are a changin. (this is a photo of a 4 year old girl playing in confetti after a rally for Presidential Hopeful HILLARY CLINTON .. who was also once a young girl).

... because Madness *also* has the audacity of hope. Michelle, Barack..if youre listening ... Madness is placing her hope square on your shoulders... thanks for carrying that for me, for mine, for us.

These are John Lennons tinted prescription glasses being held infront of his handwritten lyrics to "Give Peace a Chance". Stunning.

Photos of Fourth of July fun coming soon ...

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


Coming soon..

MadStoryTime ~ Whose My Baby Daddy?

Stay Tuned .. you WONT want to miss this.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

.. thats why my .... wants to ...

Madness needs to make certain this point is very clear

there is one reason why its been considered .. ONE REASON ONLY.


there is one reason why it hasnt happened .. ONE REASON ONLY.



Quit'cha cryin ManBitchandtheSkrank .. its not your fault youre laughable.
Why again are you stalkin my page .. as if Im ever gonna have anything nice to say.
Thought you knew.

Madness Breakin It Down

Since youre all on ma'shit today .. chew on this.

It was brought to Madness attention this evening that the following points require clarification:

Madness never said your TubeTops were what made you look like a Man, Lady.

Madness said you look like a Man AND your TubeTops are ridiculous.

MaxX said your TubeTop doesnt make you look like a Man.

MaxX never said he didnt think you look like a Man, in general.

If you knew a ding dang thang about MaxX then you'd see his irresistible wink and grin when he says such things .. but you dont so you wont .. see it, see.. ManBitch... (yes, you've evolved from ManLady to ManBitch .. ManBitch rolls off the tounge much more smoothly and it makes MaxX chuckle)

(Only moments after Madness mentioned MaxXs irresistible winky and grin .. moments I tell you .. MaxX tapped Madness on her shoulder and she saw the sticker that HE picked from the sticker sheet BabyD gave Momma and Daddy to chose from ...
the blue winky grinning face.)

**Madness' sticker says Ay-dub-ya-ee-ess-oh-em-ee. Awesome.**

Madness knows you'll appriciate this little work, MB... yeah.. I know you kinda likey me. Ha!

Ok.. so Madness has a full time job, and by full time job she means
45 hours a week there.
168 hours a week here, Momma, (times Five
168 hours a week there, Wife.
168 hours a week working out the logistics of a very delicate move from here to there (want me to break that one down .. ask me .. I will.)
168 hours a week keeping this from ending up there.
168 hours a week dealing with him her her and them.

And what was Madness saying? Oh .. yeah... Madness has a full time job to get back to. Peace.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

SundaySecret ~ and a little something extra

Madness followed the link on PostSecret this week to another cool blogspot .. click here to check it out and read the story behind this photo .. you can thank me later. Click here to visit ifoundyourcamera Success Story page.

And heres this weeks MadSecret :

Which one is your fav?

~ Daddy'oh Day ~

This is a story in pictures for your viewing pleasure ...

How Daddy'o Learned Rotham to FearNothing and hop down the deck stairs.
It's also the story of BritBritOnasis sayin "Nuh-uh-No-way am I goin down those steps. Forget It" and she meant it.
At one point Brit was pacing the top of the stairs whining and whimpering .. then she looked over the edge of the deck and jumped off.. like that makes any sense.

Eh. Enjoy.Brit on the deck, hiding under ThreeDollahChair... Daddy'o put a piece of bratwurst in front of her to lure her to the stairs.

Gobble. Im still not going down those steps.

Rotham learned to sit just about that fast too. Hims a good boy.

By Populer Demand ... yes HUH!

Some of you creepy stalkers readers have been blowin Madness email and MySpace up asking to see the freakin rae of sunshine that is Madness these days.

So here you have it stalkers readers. The new header is a quick snap I took with my beloved Cannon FancyPants KodakEasyShare C813. The only thing I did to the photo was add the coloring book effect. No colors have been photoshop'd because Madness doesnt know squat tart about photoshop.. so yeah, that really is the color of my eyes and yes my hair is orange and yellow no my hair isnt orange and yellow .. its fire.

And this is a quick shot that shows what it really looks like and yeah .. I kinda like it.

Thursday, June 26, 2008


Madness makes no damn sense. (we all knew this, right?)

Madness decided she needed to lighten up her chocolate brown hair in order for it to take the burgundy dye. Madness tried the peroxide stripping agent, to no avail. So Madness got her some blonde blonde blonde dye and ... uh.. yeah..[ insert shit on yourself laughter here ]

Ha! Never fear dear reader .. Madness is no dummy ... chocolate brown + blonde blonde blonde + peroxide stripping agent = HAWT.

Yeah ... Madness' hair is F I R E. Think of an orange flame .. thats it.

Pics to come.

Hot. MmmHmm ... just ask MaxX.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Packin it up and Movin it down ... all the way down

Madness is packin it up and movin it down ... for reals.

Been talking for months about movin the MadLands back home to Florida.. it starts now.

Madness has a lead on a sweet condo ... and a few houses. Madness has been scurred shatless about moving 1100 miles away. ELEVEN HUNDRED MILES. But then Madness figured .. there is here and here is there and then that there is there and here so... fuck it .. we're UP.

Hellooooo Stalkers

Yes..Madness knows youre here.. so she thought she'd say "Hi!"
Dont be shy ... say something .. dare ya.
Why oh Why is madness so ornery tooo-day?

Sunday, June 22, 2008


Madness hauled kids from here to there and there then there and back again today..
blah blah blah...
Madness found her Norah Jones CD ... and guess what ya'll .. playing Norah Jones in the MommaMobile *calmed the beasts* settled the children .. to a degree... and Madness too .. uh, yeah.
So Madness has binged and now purged and rearranged the music in her life.. because the music does not lie and right now Madness needs some truth that isnt going to send her

Saturday, June 21, 2008


Oh *sigh* oh...OhBama.

The only thing missing is the image of Dub'ya high tailin it outta whats left of the white house (..nation, world..what~have~ya) .. Madness invisions Dub'ya's truck loaded down with fancy paintings, classified coverups documents, copper wiring an'shit.

Tell Madness this isnt a scaryhopeful state of affairs.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Big Things

Big Things, you say?
Yeah..Big Things.

MaxX and Sir Rotham had another training day .. yeah.. Madness has failed to keep ya'll on her pups .. (stay tuned)

Training Day One : MaxX taught Sir Rotham to hop down the deck stairs... with the help of grilled bratwurst.. ha! Rotham loves him some treats.
Training Day Two : MaxX teaches Sir Rotham Mathias to Sit on command.
Whose a good boy? Rothams a good boy!

Oh, Brit? Yeah .. Brit is hard headed. Brit cant stay focused or still long enough to learn much of anything just yet... she's gonna take more time and attention. Rotham is so laid back at attentive he's having no problem learning all his puppy stuff.

Madness' pups are getting so big *sigh* soooo big.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Oh look! Its my blog

Good Morning stalkers readers ...
Madness has been MIA for a few days .. big things happening around the MadLands .. BIG things.
What things you ask? Oh.. a little of this and a little of that. Yep, some of that too.

To all my friends at SBO who are reading "Hi, Hello! I miss you!"

With any luck Madness will be back tonight and will give you something worth reading.


Ok, love you, bye.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Whose yer Daddy?

Madness is gonna leave that one alone and reflect on Daddy'oDay at the MadLands ... you can thank me later.

Daddy'oDay in the MadLands started in the wheeee hours of the morning ... MaxX and Me out on the deck watchin our two babiest of babies chase each other around the back yard... silly pups. Poor Rotham tries so hard to keep up with his big sister BritBrit... but baby brother Rotham is a much bigger boy and just doesnt have the speed and agility that Brit has. She runs his butt all over the place.

Madness *slept in* on Daddy'ODay .. MmmHmm.. she did... at Daddy'o's request. Im'a leave that alone for now too.

Madness awoke to a beautiful bright sunny warm day ... the grill was hot and the air filled with the flavor of BBQ. Laundry on the line blowing in the breeze .. kiddies putting finishing touches on glittery tokens of daughterly love for the DaddyMan.

Oh yeah, Madness almost forgot, this is early summer in the MidWest.. Ha! Storm rolled in ... lightening..thunder..cold heavy rain .. HAIL .. finish BBQing in the rain .. eh, that was kinda cool.

MadTheatre on Daddy'oDay... Stand By Me ... oh yeah.

Daddy schooled the kiddies on a cinematic classic.. and Madness was all "is this mothers day or somethin?"

The scent of Old Books and Ninja Monkies.

Photos of MaxX grilling in the rain ... coaxing puppies with bratwurst to walk down deck stairs and MaxX gettin MadLove from the wee ones coming soon .. KodakEasyShare is acting Janky at the moment. *snicker*

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Cause thats how Madness does shit sometimes

Have you ever felt like you literally need to hide from the world?
Do you know that you surely will NOT continue to breathe if you dont run and hide?
If youve ever damn near lost it and actually felt like you were gonna break then you know what Im talkin about.

Thing is .. Madness feels that way all.the.time.

And when you literally feel like you are going to break at every joint and cease breathing all.the.time you get to points where you panic.
I said "get to points" because if you recall .. the panic is constant.
You cant quiet a beast for long.
Sometimes I can get a grip on it all and stand somewhat steady .. but the beast always comes back and threatens total breakdown.

When the panic sets in ... the fucker sits down in 'rational thoughts' seat.
And sometimes .. thats how Madness does shit.

Wordless Wednesday on Thursday

Because Madness started a new job, and the kids are out of school, and MaxX is working days now ... all just in time for Madness' ManicMeltdown ... The Blog is suffering ...Wordless Wednesday on Thursday... hang on with me Internet .. Im trying.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

a terrible thirst for blame

foreWarned is foreArmed

things that make Madness go .. oh my.

Oh my.
What should have been a 7 day period was only 3.
PIMPLES on my face (note: Madness didnt even have acne in HighSchool!)
Two sunami size waves of heat and nausea resulting in vomit in as many days.
DONT touch my boobs!
Oh my.
Failed tubal ligation .. or mania mixed with stomach bug?
Oh my.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


~Six year old daughter: "Momma, can I have a popsicle for juice?"
~Madness: "No, eat your dinner"

*Six year old daughter rubbing her tummy*
*Madness notices the letters BELY written on six year old daughters tummy*

~Madness: "Who wrote BELY on your tummy"
~Six year old daughter: "*giggle* I did"
~Madness: "Dork. 'Belly' has two L's. Eat your dinner"
~Six year old daughter: "Two L's .. gotcha .. thanks"

Its quiet around the MadLands

like before the storm

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Happy Birthday MaxX

Today is the 16th birthday of yours that we have had together. We've come a long way from your 21st birthday spent in Aarons apartment ... So many years have gone by .. so fast.

I remember the moment I first saw you as clearly as if it were yesterday... standing in the arcade.. schoolin em all, MrBigMan.

So many people have learned the hard way...many more still yet to learn... that going head to head with MaxX is certain defeat. Ive always loved that about you... standing back and watching you claim victory after victory, with ease. Your soul feeds on the thrill of the extreme .. your spirit always driving for more, only relenting when your body rests.

The first day we met I fell in love with the way you protect that which you love. Because of you I dont know fear of the world, for I have always stood at my place under your watchful eye. Youre the reason I have no fear in my soul .. you've always protected me and defended me as you would the heart that pumps the blood through your veins.

There are loads of people out there who have seen you interact with a child .. those that have seen this have no doubt noted your gentle compassion .. few know as intimately as I do just how genuine and compassionate the love you have for a child really is. I was the one lucky enough to be the mother of your own.

I love the way you look at me, your eyes plead with me to feel the love in your heart. I love the way you say my name .. with the same tenderness as a kiss placed on a newborn babes nose.

We've been married for ten of these last 16 years and I still tingle when I hear you speaking to someone and you say "my wife". I love (and hate) the way you lean in just close enough so that I am sure to smell your skin when Im angry. You know that your scent is a drug I just cant resist.

I love that you adore every piece of me ... I love how I can make you say please and thank you.

I love that you'll stumble around the room in the dark looking for pants so you can go downstairs for the eighth time tonight to check out the noise that I.Know.I.Heard and you never complain. Every time you go, you come back to bed and wrap me back up in your arms and tell me to kick you harder next time I hear something. That is Love.

I love that youve handled each and every loose and lost tooth because your wussy wifey cant even talk about loose teeth without needing to be revived by defibrilator. (Dont worry, Danny was standing by after I typed that last bit and everything is fine .. he's a champ at CPR!)

I love the way you know everything there is to know about anything, and the way you share all that you know with the babies. I love the talent you have seeping from your soul and the desire burning in your heart.

For your 30th birthday I threw you a party with friends and family. Your cake said "Happy Birthday You Old Goat" and you didnt like that. I will apologize now, babe. I was wrong. I never should have put that on your 30th Birthday cake. You werent an old goat ...

But you ARE NOW!!

Happy Birthday Baby!

All my love now and every tomorrow,


Thursday, June 5, 2008

Hey Ya'll

The MadLands have moved .. for now .. we'll see how this works out.
Ive been trying to move my blog entries over here.. some of them dont have photos uploaded yet.
Feel free to click here to see the original postings in all of their edited form.

Dooce? Are you reading? Hmmm... Are you?

Madness cant help but wonder if the Almighty Dooce is sneaking over to the MadLands here and there.

Remember the other day when Madness described in song and YouTube what it feels like to be John Malkovich Madness? Yeah..

Well.. click here and go see what Dooce was up to last night... and TELL ME Dooce hasnt been skipping around the MadLands recently.. yes, yes.. see the DooceTracks?

Ahhh.. Dooce and Madness are tight like that.

dont let yourself be annoyed or bored with Hillary and OBama

Oh no.. dont do it. Dont even fix your mouth to complain about the Democratic presidential nomination process this election year. Do not complain that Hillary should just bow out as gracefully as possible right now. Do not start blahblahblahing the "my vote really doesnt count in the big picture" crap. Or the "I'll just let someone else go vote and let them chose for me because I'm too lazy to register, show up and vote" crap.

Read this interesting article here about just how close Hillary and Obama really ARE in this here race to become THE Democratic nominee for The Prez. Sure the whole thing may seem a little mucky with all the lah-tee-do about Florida and Michigan and other issues. This little article takes a look at this fuzzy math thats being talked about so much and that Hillary is heavily relying on as reason to STAY IN THE GAME.

Go read it and come back .. and then Madness would like to know if youre a) registered to vote b)if youve voted in your states PrezPrimary and c) why. All of you's who are registered and voted, Aces to You Friend. Those of you that arent and havent.. its.not.too.late. Click here and go register to vote. Then, SHOW UP on Election Day '08.

This article puts emphasis on what Madness has been saying for a while now. Clearly the "popular people" are demonstrating that the ticket we all want to see come November is Clinton/OBama or OBama/Clinton. Either way, people!

So yeah.. dont get annoyed with or bored with whats happening right now with the nomination process. Take a minute to soak in whats really going on, not only in UNITED STATES HISTORY but our FUTURE too. The state of everyday affairs for *everyday normal* Americans like you and me is scary and uncertain and the despairity is only worsening.
Any way we look at it, either John McCain *violent gut wrenching shudder*, Hillary Clinton or Barack OBama will be the next leader of the free world... and the free us. You and me, friend.

One of these folks is gonna make or break us. Yes, I said make or break us because, quite frankly... there isnt too much further down we can all fall before we are broken.
Stay tuned while Madness wonders what the hell is going on around here.
Madness would never ever ever tell anyone who they should love, honor, cherish or VOTE for. And Madness knows that NO ONE out there thinks that them there politicians up thar in Warshingtun are just a bunch of pompus jack asses and none of that bullarky has nothing to do with ME.

But just in case you know someone like that .. Madness offers this.
Yes friend.. the people we elect to run shit around here should most def' be of your concern for reasons. Heres TWO.

Madness defined

MadCommentary Coming Soon...

Madness thinks that if you had to describe what being inside the Mind of Madness looks and sounds like. This is it.

This song is what having a bipolar mind sounds like... it starts all boppity dumdum and kinda goes nuts .. calms down and goes nuts. Yeah. That about sums it up.

The video pretty much sums up Madness high school days... and three words describe Madness high school days .. Preppy Grunge Cheerleader.

*giggle* MaxX married a cheerleader (1992 Florida State Champs .. yeah)

Just one week into summer vacation and already the idea of spending 300 days alone on an island sounds heavenly.

The Queen of Shake Shake helped Madness realize just why the thought of 300 days alone on an island sounds heavenly. Schools Out! Ahhh yes. The joys of Parenting Five Children during Summer Vacation.

Madness' babies have been home from school for

Wednesday night Madness was going over the final preparation check lists with MaxX and she was all "We will not panic. We will not go crazy. (nevermind that one of us is already there) We will have a neat, orderly and organized summer vacation around the MadLands. There will be instructions left for the children daily...yes, LISTS of chores and reminders that the children will be beaten if they fight with each other that the children are responsible for themselves and each other and that we are expecting a tightly run ship around here!"

Yes. Summer Vacation around the MadLands is going to be *perfect* .. because Madness made LISTS. Madness even assured herself that we would NOT be eaten out of house and home by five ravenous beasts healthy growing kids by making daily menus. Yes. Madness is the shit.

Summer Vacation at the MadLands. Day One.
Madness pulled up her cell phone records for Thursday May 29, 2008, having clearly recalled the list on the fridge titled "EMERGENCY contact numbers". We've got mom and dads work and cell numbers, friends and family and co-workers cell, home and work numbers, 911 and the like. Madness cell phone records for Thursday list 39 calls from home. Thirty-nine. There were THIRTY-NINE EMERGENCIES on Thursday at the MadLands...consisting of :

"Teenage daughter wont make me breakfast." Even though Teenage Daughters list clearly states "Make breakfast for T and D". While refusing to feed T and D may constitute an emergency in YOUR book.. it does NOT in mine because ... ITS ON HER LIST. IT SHOULD BE DONE and thus no calls should have been made to Madness reporting that it wasnt.

"Momma, we took the puppies out." THAT is a "status update" which should have been reported during what we call a "Status Update Inquiry Call" placed FROM Madness TO her children, not the other way around... clearly not an emergency.
Other calls consisted of "I cant find any clean pants." "Can I have chips instead of bananas and graham crackers for my snack?" "Teenage Daughter is being mean to me." "The mail is here." ....
You get my drift.

Somewhere around NONemergency call number twenty Madness informed the children that "if my cell phone rings ONE MORE TIME and someone isnt BLEEDING or on FIRE .. I will beat you!" (It's ok.. Madness threatens to beat her children all the time. Its a term of endearment.)

Summer Vacation at the MadLands. Day Two.

Madness received far fewer calls from the MadLands on day two. Madness has deduced the reasoning for this in two parts.
First.. Big Brother was not home. Big Brother spent the night at a friends house. You see.. when Big Brother and Teenage Daughter were running the show on Day One .. there was what we call a Power Struggle. Too many chiefs .. er.. too many indians too, apparently. Big Brother removed .. One Chief left.. no power struggle.
Secondly.. Madness Teenage Daughter had been grounded a few weeks ago. Not just grounded.. oh no. GROUNDED. Madness imposed this exact sentence on Teenage Daughter: Grounded Until Christ Rises Again.

So.. the sucess of Summer Vacation at the MadLands. Day Two could also be contributed to the fact that Madness bribed compromised with Teenage Daughter. "I'll let you do something with your friends this weekend if you keep things under control around here." Deal.

Madness started to count the days till the kids go back to school but decided that she could very well land right back in the mental institution if she did she didnt.
Ahh yes.. Summer Vacation. Working Parents.. how do YOU survive summer vacation with your house, mind, grocery budget and JOB still intact? Madness needs hope ideas.

Stay tuned while Madness makes more lists.

Friday, May 30, 2008

~*~MadStory Time ~ Beowulf~*~

A MadLands Original
Mad StoryTime

Beowulf is the story of Beowulf. The End.
No, really...

The story of Beowolf begins in a brothel .. only in Denmark back then they called it a Mead Hall .. but never fear .. theres plenty of drinking and singing and shagging goin' on. So, apparently the singing and drunkeness goin on in Heorot (thats the mead hall) ticks off this beastly creature, Grendel.

Allow Madness to digress. We've got the King and the Queen, right. Well, the King is a drunken nasty bastard ... and he has this golden horn lookin thing and apparently this horn thing is special.

So anyway, the King has no children...except one... but he doesnt count, because he's a nasty freakish monster. MmmHmm. Mr drunken nasty bastard King man apparently got Angelina Jolies goodies and knocked her up..only it wasnt Angelina Jolie .. it was some shape shifter sort of character so the 'baby' was.. you guessed it .. a nasty freakish monster. Grendel.

Ok, so.. apparently the singing and drunkeness goin on in the brothel ticks off Grendel ... so he comes in and goes nuts. Kills a bunch of brothel-goers and damn near steps on and squooshes the Queen, who in this particular story is actually a good girl, no wickedness here. Just when you think Grendels gonna take the Queen out like a grape on a grocery store floor..the drunken nasty bastard King wobbles over and challenges Grendel to "Fight Me!.. Figght Me!" .. but Grendel DOESNT .. he runs home to his lair where momma (Angelina Jolie) is waiting for him. Momma tells Grendel that he needs to stop snacking on humans but Grendel isnt hearing it because, well, apparently we are all kinds of tasty.

Enter Beowulf. Beowulf shows up and meets Mr drunken nasty bastard King man on shore and declares "I am Beowulf and I am here to kill your monster" .. only he says "Muun-steh" and that made Madness giggle.

So Beowulf and his boyz post up in the brothel and then Beowulf decides he will fight Grendel nekkid. MmmHmm .. nekkid. Only dont get too excited, member Beowulf is all digitally animated or whatever.. but still ... nekkid. Beowulf says "Grendel fights with no weapon, Beowulf will fight with no weapon" or something like that. You get the idea.

Sure enough.. Grendel shows up..and Nekkid Beowulf kicks his butt. Grendel ends up with his left wrist bound by a huge chain and gets his arm caught in the door as he tries to run like a bitch. Beowulf slams the door on his arm over and over and over and its all so cool cause he's shouting "I am the Ripper..Tearer..Slasher..Gouger. I am the Teeth in the Darkness, the Talons in the Night. Mine is strength..and Lust.. and Power. I am BEOWULF" .. and Madness shuddered and sqealed and begged MaxX to "play it again! play it again!!"

So Grendel runs his punk one armed ass home and dies .. but not before he tells Momma who did it.. of course.

So now Momma is pissed..cause thats what mommas DO when their babies get hurt.. they get cray-zay. So Momma slinks over there to the brothel where Beowulf and his boyz are posted up and Momma makes an example of Beowulfs boyz, while he is sleeping. He wakes up and finds every last one of his boyz dead and hung over the rafters like yesterdays laundry. And WOW, Madness didnt realize this was such an long story ... she thinks she has ADD or something.

Where were we? Oh yeah.. Madness er, Momma makin an example out of Beowulfs boyz. So, Beowulf goes over to have a word with Momma. And what happens next? Angelina Jolie pulls a Brangelina on him and is all "give me a son and I will give you eternal life blah blah blah..whatever" Remember that gold horn thingy that Mr drunken nasty bastard King man had? Well, he gave it to Beowulf and Beowulf took it with him when he went to have a word with Angelina.

There is probably more of a significance here than Madness is letting on.. but she probably wasnt paying much attention at that point because Madness trailed off a few times. Anyway.. Angelina/Momma tells Beowulf that as long as SHE has posession of the gold horn thingy that he will have the world in his hands, basically. So, they do the deed and Beowulf goes back and tells the peoples that he slew Momma.. liar liar pants on fire.

Blah Blah Blah... fast forward.. here comes Beowulfs SON.. oh yeah.. only BEOWULFS son is no punk ass bitch monster boy.. nuh-uh.. hes a gold dragon. And of course Beowulf kills him. Blah Blah. So, by now Madness has had *plenty* of wine and while she remembers a significant "Boo-yaw" part of this story..she isnt sure if she's got this in the right order... but eh.. whatever.

So.. remember Angelina Momma told Beowulf that as long as SHE posessed the gold horn thingy he'd be all BradPitt an'shit. Well, Angelina Momma is one slick sly bitch.. she sends the gold horn thingy BACK to Beowulf .. yep.. thats right.. "Deals OFF" she says.. and "I can *DO* that cause I just gave the gold horn thing BACK so now I dont have it!" Boo-yaw! Only Beowulf is no punk and he takes that gold horn thing right back to her and says "Like hell biatch"
And thats pretty much where Mandess recollection stops.

The End.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008