A MadLands Original
Mad StoryTime
BEOWULF
Beowulf is the story of Beowulf. The End.
No, really...
The story of Beowolf begins in a brothel .. only in Denmark back then they called it a Mead Hall .. but never fear .. theres plenty of drinking and singing and shagging goin' on. So, apparently the singing and drunkeness goin on in Heorot (thats the mead hall) ticks off this beastly creature, Grendel.
Allow Madness to digress. We've got the King and the Queen, right. Well, the King is a drunken nasty bastard ... and he has this golden horn lookin thing and apparently this horn thing is special.
So anyway, the King has no children...except one... but he doesnt count, because he's a nasty freakish monster. MmmHmm. Mr drunken nasty bastard King man apparently got Angelina Jolies goodies and knocked her up..only it wasnt Angelina Jolie .. it was some shape shifter sort of character so the 'baby' was.. you guessed it .. a nasty freakish monster. Grendel.
Ok, so.. apparently the singing and drunkeness goin on in the brothel ticks off Grendel ... so he comes in and goes nuts. Kills a bunch of brothel-goers and damn near steps on and squooshes the Queen, who in this particular story is actually a good girl, no wickedness here. Just when you think Grendels gonna take the Queen out like a grape on a grocery store floor..the drunken nasty bastard King wobbles over and challenges Grendel to "Fight Me!.. Figght Me!" .. but Grendel DOESNT .. he runs home to his lair where momma (Angelina Jolie) is waiting for him. Momma tells Grendel that he needs to stop snacking on humans but Grendel isnt hearing it because, well, apparently we are all kinds of tasty.
Enter Beowulf. Beowulf shows up and meets Mr drunken nasty bastard King man on shore and declares "I am Beowulf and I am here to kill your monster" .. only he says "Muun-steh" and that made Madness giggle.
So Beowulf and his boyz post up in the brothel and then Beowulf decides he will fight Grendel nekkid. MmmHmm .. nekkid. Only dont get too excited, member Beowulf is all digitally animated or whatever.. but still ... nekkid. Beowulf says "Grendel fights with no weapon, Beowulf will fight with no weapon" or something like that. You get the idea.
Sure enough.. Grendel shows up..and Nekkid Beowulf kicks his butt. Grendel ends up with his left wrist bound by a huge chain and gets his arm caught in the door as he tries to run like a bitch. Beowulf slams the door on his arm over and over and over and its all so cool cause he's shouting "I am the Ripper..Tearer..Slasher..Gouger. I am the Teeth in the Darkness, the Talons in the Night. Mine is strength..and Lust.. and Power. I am BEOWULF" .. and Madness shuddered and sqealed and begged MaxX to "play it again! play it again!!"
So Grendel runs his punk one armed ass home and dies .. but not before he tells Momma who did it.. of course.
So now Momma is pissed..cause thats what mommas DO when their babies get hurt.. they get cray-zay. So Momma slinks over there to the brothel where Beowulf and his boyz are posted up and Momma makes an example of Beowulfs boyz, while he is sleeping. He wakes up and finds every last one of his boyz dead and hung over the rafters like yesterdays laundry. And WOW, Madness didnt realize this was such an long story ... she thinks she has ADD or something.
Where were we? Oh yeah.. Madness er, Momma makin an example out of Beowulfs boyz. So, Beowulf goes over to have a word with Momma. And what happens next? Angelina Jolie pulls a Brangelina on him and is all "give me a son and I will give you eternal life blah blah blah..whatever" Remember that gold horn thingy that Mr drunken nasty bastard King man had? Well, he gave it to Beowulf and Beowulf took it with him when he went to have a word with Angelina.
There is probably more of a significance here than Madness is letting on.. but she probably wasnt paying much attention at that point because Madness trailed off a few times. Anyway.. Angelina/Momma tells Beowulf that as long as SHE has posession of the gold horn thingy that he will have the world in his hands, basically. So, they do the deed and Beowulf goes back and tells the peoples that he slew Momma.. liar liar pants on fire.
Blah Blah Blah... fast forward.. here comes Beowulfs SON.. oh yeah.. only BEOWULFS son is no punk ass bitch monster boy.. nuh-uh.. hes a gold dragon. And of course Beowulf kills him. Blah Blah. So, by now Madness has had *plenty* of wine and while she remembers a significant "Boo-yaw" part of this story..she isnt sure if she's got this in the right order... but eh.. whatever.
So.. remember Angelina Momma told Beowulf that as long as SHE posessed the gold horn thingy he'd be all BradPitt an'shit. Well, Angelina Momma is one slick sly bitch.. she sends the gold horn thingy BACK to Beowulf .. yep.. thats right.. "Deals OFF" she says.. and "I can *DO* that cause I just gave the gold horn thing BACK so now I dont have it!" Boo-yaw! Only Beowulf is no punk and he takes that gold horn thing right back to her and says "Like hell biatch"
And thats pretty much where Mandess recollection stops.
The End.
Friday, May 30, 2008
~*~MadStory Time ~ Beowulf~*~
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Need and to be Needed
This is a story about needing someone and about being needed by someone.
Princess Brit and Sir Rotham were seperated today. [circumstance withheld] .. they were seperated today.
Brit was moved into her own sleeping quarters and Rotham was left alone in the deluxe apartment in the sky formerly shared kennel. Brit and Rotham whined and cried like brats for each other. Whined and cried each other to sleep in their own sleeping quarters.
At some point.. Princess Brittania Onasis climbed out of her kennel and back into the deluxe apartment in the sky formerly shared kennel.
This is remarkable and blog worthy because Princess BritBrit can barely see over the top of either kennel when shes on her tippy tippy hind legs.
But Princess BritBrit needed to be with Rotham, and Rotham was needed.
Congrats Bossys Son
Madness hearts Bossy.
Bossys son is a high school graduate .. he earned early admission to Columbia University.
Madness wanted to say "Congrats Bossys Son" from the MadLands.
If you wanna go say "Congrats Bossys Son" click here and show The Bossys some love.
And if You're all .."Blahblah Bossy this and Blahblah Bossy that, Madness is always going on about Bossy".. the you really need to go over there and let Bossy have a word.
Madness promises not to say "I told you so" when you come back and You're all "Bossy is the Boss!"
I'll just say I know.
For those of you lunkheads who really seriously dont click on over there, this is the love Madness gave the Bossys:
Bossy,
You are absolutly stunning in this photo. Youve captured not only your beauty but the beauty that is the pride, love and adoration for the life you and Bossys Husband gave to this world.The life that you do by all rights, OWN.Dont let Bossys son forget this as he goes off to College.
Love you Bossy and Bossys Family,
Madness
Madness is always forgetting her manners.
Bossys Son,
Rock On Man.. Rock on.This is the culmination of so much hard work..but remember that this too is the beginning of everything that is to come.
Youve got this world in your hands.
Dont loose your grip on it. Its yours.
Madness Teenage Daughter tends to roll her eyes when her mother says these things to her.And Madness says "Daughter..Im Serious".And Madness Teenage Daughter knows.
Madness
Long Live Rock ~ Aerosmith ~ Scissors in MaxXs left eye
MaxX almost got his left eye poked out over these photos. Madness wonders if she'll get traffic from stalkers potential subscribers who are searching Lisa Left Eye Lopez. We shall see.
Madness is sorry that the photos are so big .. but Madness is in no shape to be fucking around with editing and resizing right now.
Ahem.
Heres the other pic
MaxX said the crazy bitch woman in these photos didnt look like Madness (his wife of 16 years). In fact MaxX said that Madness looked like -name withheld- in these photos.
So Madness poked MaxX left eye out with scissors.
The End.
Ok, not really, but she threatened it.. and she meant it.
Point of these pics is .. Madness is rockin a kick ass t-shirt these days.. its black and saysLONG LIVE ROCK in hawt pink.
Because you were wondering.. you know you were..
Madness knows you readers have been dying to know how her hair turned out. If you recall..Madness dyed her hair. Again.
Im gonna post a close up pic so you can see the color that really *is* in Madness hair. Then I'll post a pic of what it looks like with the real eye.
Do you see the red/burgandy tint? Hmm? Do you?
Heres what it looks like from any other angle imaginable.
In case you were wondering.. yeah.. Madness use to actually have a hawt pink extention in her hair. (yes, Madness knows you can barely see it in this pic.. and Madness knows that she looks blue in this pic.. but oh.well. Madness isnt fuckin with editing it anymore right now.)
Madness has decided that shes been full.of.herself. enough for one night.
when He speaks they shall listen ... learn .. and love
MaxX has arrived in the MadLands .. hop over there and have a peek .. you wont be disappointed.
Right HERE is where you hear Madness' mad cry of desparation because she just LOST everything she worked on for the last hour. Which is probably good for you constant reader (how pompus of you Madness..Stephen, my apologies).. good for you Internet because now youre going to get the shortened version. Or maybe not.
Madness wrote yesterday about NASAs Big Day. The folks down in Flah-rida are uber excited this morning because later today the Mars Phoenix Lander is landing on Mars. Theyre bein all dramatic an'shit referring to the landing as "7 Minutes of Terror" .. seriously. I guess if I were one of those thinker-uppers down there at NASA .. Id be feeling uncomfortable jelly like sensations in the core of my being too. So ok.. Madness will digress .. they're not being all dramatic an'shit. 7 Minutes of Terror is appropriate.
When Madness posted about NASAs 7 Minutes of Terror, she failed to give proper.. uh.. props where due. Membah' Madness telling you how MaxX is a fascinating writer and story teller. Contained within MaxX are the infinite depths of creation and wonder.. and remember how Madness has been tellin MaxX for 16 years that he needs to write that shit down .. well.. MaxX wasnt writin shit down about certain things.. so Madness did.
Madness concedes that she did a metiocre job of sharing MaxXs Martian TinkerToy Therom.
This is a ding-ding-light-bulb example of why MaxX needs to tell ya'll this shit himself.
If ya'll got a chuckle out of Madness little quip posting on the Martian TinkerToy Therom.. then you should go over and ask MaxX to tell you himself. Madness promises she wont laugh at you when you piss your pants.
Yes I will.
Hip to be Square
This post is from MightyGirls blog. Madness liked it so much she decided to link to it. Click here and watch.
Madness smiled...and at this moment in time..making Madness smile is nothing short of a miracle.
Mars Phoenix Lander - MaxXs Martian TinkerToy Therom
So.. NASA is sent up the Mars Phoenix Lander .. and its scheduled to land on Mars Sunday.
Ya'll remember all those other contraptions NASA sent up to Mars that disappeared..
NASA fact: Historically, 55 percent of all Mars missions have ended in failure.
Madness isnt passing judgement or criticizing NASA. Oh no. Far from it. Madness grew up in Florida.. directly across the Indian River from NASA. Madness hearts NASA because its a part of her history an'that.
All Madness is sayin is ... NASA keeps throwing these fancy schmancy science things at Mars.. and them Martians are catchin em and tossin em in their toy box and they're all "Thanks for the TINKER TOYS Earthlings!"
Hairy What? and other Random Mad Ramblings
So, while we are all on this hairy body part kick... Madness was going to post a pic of her one single solitary abnormally LONG arm hair... conveniently located just above her right elbow.. in her direct line of sight from any angle.
Alas.. Madness family thinks that the two sets of digital camera batteries she bought for her digital camera belong to anybody BUT Madness. Madness grabbed her camera on her way out the door to work this morning.. and promptly discovered after her arrival that her batteries are gone. Again.
In case you were wondering.. Madness is extra special aggitated this morning for oh.so.many reasons. Not the least of which is the fact that her soft snuggly comfy friendly underwire in her favorite bra snapped yesterday.. so Madness is wearing the bra.of.satan today.
Madness Dad is having surgery today... Madness works for 20 surgeons and typically surgery doesnt tend to scare Madness. However.. Madness has a friend who has a son. Two weeks ago the son had "routine surgery" and four days later Madness was at his funeral. Madness is scared to death today.
Please stay tuned while Madness has a Word With God.
Crap Crap Crappity Crap
Madness had a shit day online and off.
This morning Madness didnt have to be to work till 10:30. Last time Madness had a late morning she was unable to snuggle back into bed on account of a sick child.
Today Madness snuggled back into bed and the moment her eyes shut she heard this
MmmHmm. Madness back gate literally opens into the parking lot of the high school that sits behind her house. The students park at the far end of the lot.. so the band was rehearsing right under Madness bedroom window this morning.
They sounded great. Needless to say, Madness didnt get back to sleep. Oy Vey.
~*~FAMOUS~*~
Madness is FAMOUS. MmmHmm.
A certain SarcasticMom Blogger who shall remain nameless .. linked to Madness today.
*sigh*
And ALL Madness had to do was ask to see a picture of her hairyarmpits! HA!
Desperately Seeking..
Desperately Seeking Susan MaxX.
Every yesterday must come to its end ..
for even the cosmos has much more to lend.
If a hearts overcome with sadness at each passing..
then it shall have no idea of that which is blessing.
There should be no more fightat the dawn of each light
for then you forego all that might...
Youve traveled these plains with arms open wide
while your queen waited for your return to her side.
Our hearts that shared the same beat
now lie in shreads at our feet
You went in search of salvationand what did you meet?
Me..when I was sweet (evil evil Me)Oh what a treat*wink wink*
Only there is no treat and Madness doesnt feel like *wink wink*
Dad Update
Dad had his chest and brain CT Scans yesterday. The results are in and they are all clear. Cause Madness had said to God "They BETTER be!"
Speaking of medical imaging...
Im just sayin.
Uh..we live in AMERICA..right? So, what gives?
So I'm clickin around CNN.com .. cause thats what I do for a living.. and as usual Ive come across a story that makes me shake my head and go "Huh!? Come again!? What the HELL GIVES!?!?"
"Mom forced to sleep in car". Rotten economy, forclosures, unemployment, homelessness. The story is talking about the city of Santa Monica allowing homeless people and families to sleep in their vehicles in designated parking lots. And all Madness can think is "thats the BEST we can do!?!? Parking Lots!!?!?"
Stay tuned while Madness throws DARTS AT GEORGE DUBYAS HEAD!
..Funny.. not at all
Madness doesnt see whats so funny or even what should be taken so light heartedly about someone who is like this
Breaking the Enigma Code was probably easier than determining what combination of drugs will work for an individual struggling with bipolar disorder. Yet this is just so funny to some folks...
Funny like this
Madness thinks she'll share her meds with anyone who thinks its their business to know wether shes taking her meds or not. Only Madness couldnt find a photo of a bitch being choked out...
So Stay Tuned.. while Madness goes and snaps her OWN photo.
Crazed Mad Woman 2 .. Stupid Idiots 0
Madness witnessed another stupid idiot school zone speeder get the smack down by the po-po this morning. This morning was even BETTER because the po-po was just to the left of Madness when he turned his disco lights on and popped todays stupid idiot school zone speeder.
And Madness was all "WOOHOO!! YOU GET EM COPPER!!"
Why are the police suddenly out in full force in these particular school zones, you ask?
Barbara Jean no more .. or something
Madness is dying her hair as we speak. Madness couldnt take looking like Barbara Jean for another minute... so Back to Red it is. Or something.First Madness had to strip the chocolate brown out. Madness did this using a product that she has used countless times never used before that her co-worker got from the beauty supply store.
This process consisted of Madness following the directions exactly not at all.
This should be interesting.
April March
Madness didnt know it.. but April March is a person not a group. April March sings "Chick Habit" .. featured in Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof.
*awsome flick..check it out*
"Chick Habit" is a kick ass song. Hang up your chick habit..hang it up daddy.
Just Another MadnessMonday..or not.. either way
*yawn* Mornin kids! Madness is back at work after a funfilled weekend. Took more pics at the football field yesterday.. this time the WHOLE FAMILY was there and we did kite flying, football throwing and more dismal attempts at leash training the twinnies.
Those pics are at home..so stay tuned for that later today.
In other news .. Madness saw a sight of GLORY this morning. Oh yes. Madness was driving to work and as she rounded the curve in the road that marks the beginning of the first school zone.. she saw DISCO LIGHTS. Oh yes. The police had a Stupid Idiot pulled over in front of the school...for speeding no doubt.
And Madness.. in her hungover heartbroken state (details withheld) said "YIPPEE" or "WooHoo" or "Woot!" (Im looking at you MaxX and I'm not smiling)
Madness overhauled her MySpace. Yeah Yeah Yeah.. it's pretty and happy and nice and its gonna stay that way. Madness is purging the BULLSHIT from her life..MARK HER WORDS.
Ever seen a Manic Meltdown? Stay tuned. Cause Madness is just.about.there.
Puppies and Babies make Madness a happy girl
Rotham and Brits first trip to PetSmart. See.. Madness does too have a 13 year old daughter. Thats her in the cute silver vest and white stacked sandals up on the left. You wont see much of Madness oldest daughter..she curses Madness whenever her mother has the audacity of hope to take a photo of her. But never fear stalkers readers .. Madness doesnt care what her teenager says.. shes gonna take photos of her all.she.wants. CauseImThaMommaThatsWhy.
Even puppies get into politics. MaxX and Madness splained to the babies about the Blue Donkey and Red Elephants that make America who and what we are.. and the sociological and psychological phenomenon that it all is. And how fecking hot is Madness husband? Oh.hell.yes. 
Two seconds later Brit bit the camera.. and licked it and pounced at/on it and became BFFs with it :)
This is Brit explaining to Rotham why he should get up and come play with her and Rotham saying "There is nothing you can do to get me up from this spot..so run along"...and he meant it.
After Madness and the little ones were done with their 400 yard sprint, photo session and dismal attempts at leash training two 4 week old adorable stubborn bullheaded whiny puppies.. Madness went to collect her twinnies puppies and found them sleeping in the middle of the football field like this ... YinYang Puppies
MaxX blessed the world with 3 sure bet running machines.. Helene Daniel and Devyn ... Taryn shows definate talent and promise ... Harold is more a football/wrestling kinda guy. Helene and Daniel are accomplished TrackSuperStars (as Madness calls em) .. and Devyn has shown consistantly impressive skill and form on the track over this last year. Today.. the moment Maddys feet hit the track she was in full on sprint..she ran the entire 400 yards and left her 10 year old brother a nd 8 year old sister in.her.dust.
Madness gave Harold Taryn and Maddy photography lessons..which consisted of .. put this strap around your wrist, hold this button till it clicks and flashes. This photo was taken by MasterPhotographer Harold B Dowls III. The boy has talent. T&D snapped some awsome photos too and once Madness gets those phtoshopped and edited downloaded.. she'll post em.
**Well lookie there .. Madness is still up so she has more photos, taken by Taryn Devyn and Harold, to share. Yay Madness. For those of you who arent interested..come back another time. Those of you who are interested.. I hope you've enjoyed this post .. Im looking at you friend.
No, Madness doesnt have grey hair..Madness has roots that she hasnt decided what color to make em next. But she's pretty sure it isnt gonna be Barbara Jean Chocolate Brown again. 
Madness, Taryn, Devyn and Princess BritBrit Onasis. Taryns soul just finds you. I know.
Madness calls this one " ... A Classic" .. Devyn being over dramatic over some grave injustice. Broadway..here she comes.
And Madness required electro-shock treatment after she looked at this photo and saw Barbara Jean staring back at her.
Stay tuned while Madness goes and ... and ... and ... Madness doesnt know what to do about that.
DrunkDialing has NOTHING on DrunkMySpaceMessageReplying
Madness has several friends on MySpace whom she actually knows in "real life" (whatever the Hell "real life" is anymore) Madness purged most of her MySpace addiction usage several weeks ago. Madness declared "done with MySpace ... gone daddy gone ..."
Madness only has 2 reaons why her MySpace account still exists. MaxX and DJP. (Madness didnt link to DJPs MySpace on account of he has his shit private and Madness respects that. If youre one of my peeps on my MySpace you can go take a look at his pic on my page).
MaxX is, well, you know who MaxX is..I hope by now. No? MaxX is the love of my life. My husband.. the father of my 3 daughters and 2 sons. We have 16 years together, MaxX and Me. 16 years, no joke. Madness knows a few things fo'sho...
1)MaxX and Madness love each other past all revelations ...
and
2)Madness will not squander another day doubting this love for and life with MaxX and our family.. Helene, Daniel, Harold, Taryn and Devyn..I'm looking at you.
So, thats MaxX.
DJP is Madness big brother. THE big brother. Remember Madness was adopted by her cousins when she was 4. Madness has a big brother..we had the same "mom" and "dad". When we were seperated and adopted Madness was 4, DJP was 6. Madness and DJPs cousins adopted Madness, DJP was adopted by close friends of our cousins..living in the same small Florida town..on the other side of the golf course. We were seperated, but were kept together as closely as possible.
Ok, thats deep enough for now.. point is... DJP is Madness brother... and seeing her brothers pic on her MySpace once or twice a day is all she has left of her brother and she is hanging on to it for dear life.
Ok... so.. Madness isnt spending much time on MySpace these days.. consequently Madness is making her 'real life' friends think she's being boo-jie. MmmHmm.
So, tonight is Friday, and Madness had a VERY LONG and EMOTIONALLY MURDEROUS day .. so she had a few glasses of weekend wine. *wink at Bossy* So Madness decided to catch up on MySpace Message Replies.
And when Madness has a few glasses of weekend wine .. her replies closely resemble drunk dialing.
Heres a sample:
Hey girl .. First off I *must* apologize for being a sucky ass myspace friend..i promise im not being 'funny' or ignoring you.. i literally check this thing before i have to work in the morning.. i get on.. read whatever is new and fly out the door and make it to work by the skin of my teeth. just no time to reply or leave comments. they blocked myspace at work so i cant do shit from there. by the time i get home at night i check it for a minute, read whats new, maybe change my pic if i'm not liking the old one anymore, and then log off and get as far away from the computer as possible..or go write on my blog and read my blogroll.i'm just not into myspace at all anymore. id have deleted it a long time ago if MaxX wasnt still all into it.anyway.. my number is 555-5555 (cell).. i wont even bother giving you the home number.. you have a teenager/middle schooler.. you know how it is, the kids now own the home phone. i dont answer it, i dont use it.yes, we must get together. now that spring has sprung we can all come out of hiding.we should go to the park, maybe BBQ some shit up. Helene and Daniel and Harold and Kyle can play BBall an'shit. Taryn Devyn and your little one can play on the swings an'shit. Grown ups can sip on a little somethin and put some viddles down. Actually.. [*this section omitted because Madness said so*] ok.. I'm drinkin and kinda loopy..i'll be off now.. get at me.. loard knows i'm never doin anything on the weekend.peace!Oh! Wait! Helene tells me the other day about this boy who she is "bff's" with. His name is KYLE and his mom babysat us or something.I said Kyle *smith! Uh, yeah..and she says "oh yeah, me and Kyle go WAY back"I told her I have pics of the two of them when they were babies..she's super excited.ok..nite.
DrunkMySpaceMessageReplying. MmmHmm.
More Cancer!?! and Dooce too!?!
Madness needs to go to bed and wake up and shake all of this off and realize .. "Oh, Silly Madness, that was all just a dream. Go live your Friday all.over.again."
First my mom. Aunt Bea. Then Lou. Then my dad.
Madness went over to Dooce to find some much needed humor and found THIS.
And all Madness can do now is look around and say "what the HELL is going ON HERE!?"
Madness had twins!
Madness had twins last Sunday.. a baby boy and a baby girl.
Sir Rotham Mathias and Princess Brittania Onasis.
Madness twinnies are just like newborn babies even though they are PUPPIES. MmmHmm. They get up at all hours of the night.
Good thing Madness has had FIVE real live human newborns .. shes a PRO.
Cancer! F*You Cancer!
Un.be.lieve.able.
I posted a few days ago about my dads friend and law partner, Lou. He was diagnosed a few weeks ago with cancer. My mom was robbed.of.her.life. in 1994 by lung cancer. Today my dad called and I knew the moment I heard his voice that something wasnt ok. I thought I was holding my breath for bad news about Lou. I wasnt.
Dad has a lesion on his kidney. He will have surgery next friday... they will either remove part of the kidney or all of it. He doesnt anticipate having chemo or radiation, he said they caught it very early. The little fucker is a 1.7 cm lesion on the outside of the left kidney at about 1 o'clock .. Madness dad gave her all the details, and true to dad form..spent a great deal of time comforting and reassuring her, cause thats what dads do. The oncologist said they dont get troublesome till about 4 cm, according to dad he's a bright and talented young fella. No other troubles were seen in the abdomen, he will have CT scans of the chest and brain to be extra cautious because thank God dad has competent, attentive doctors and, say it with me... health insurance. Dad doesnt seem worried. He said "this isnt like Mom.. " and I say to God.."It better NOT be!" Dad is confident that this is going to turn out fine .. he says hes got a great doctor .. and I say to God.. "He BETTER be!"
Stay tuned while Madness picks her heart up off the floor.
Michelle Obama and Madness .. something in COMMONMichelle Obama, wife of presidential candidate Barack Obama, and Madness have something in common.
Michelle Obama, wife of presidential candidate Barack Obama, and Madness have something in common. Sort of anyway.
Apparently Michelle Obama recently said that she is proud of America for the first time in her adult life. Madness is not yet proud of America for the first time in her adult life...but she could be. Pending the outcome of the 2008 presidential election.
Yeah..so..what.of.it. America allowed the evil spawn of satan G W Bush to move into the White House and proceed to fuck us all ... yeah, thats exactly what I meant to say... fuck us all. Even though anyone with any damn common sense could plainly see that his royal dumb ass was unfit for the job.
What'd REM say again?
Read about it here.
John McCain and Hillary Clinton BOTH made Madness go "Woah huh!?"
Hillary Clinton
(thats her right there in case ya didnt know who Madness was talkin 'bout) ... Hillary said "Pick Barack Obama over McCain" .. oohh.. hearing Hillary say the words Pick Barack Obama made Madness SQUEAL.
Then!! John McCain
(thats him right there)
said he predicts the Iraq war will be won by 2013 but the threat from the Taliban in Afghanistan won't yet be eliminated, even though Osama bin Laden will have been captured or killed. Uh. Come again? You gotta be kidding me!?
School Zone Road Rage
I am ding dang near about to scream! Yes.. me.. MADNESS.. is about to SCREAM. Ok people.. here goes.
Madness drives through TWO of these every morning on her way to work :
what IS that eye sore on the side of the road ... placed randomly throughout the city. What do those FLASHING YELLOW LIGHTS above and below the sign that reads "School Zone 20 MPH" MEAN? Hmmm.. Why oh why did they not cover this on my DRIVING EXAM before issuing me a LICENSE to DRIVE A VEHICLE!?!?
Oh!? They DID cover this on the exam before issuing me (and YOU) a license to drive? OH! Well .. umm.. then what Madness doesnt understand is why EVERY. DING.DANG. MORNING. there are IDIOTS driving, oh, 45..50..60 MPH thru a SCHOOL ZONE!?!? WHY PEOPLE?!!? WHY!?!
Madness usually lays on her horn like the crazed mad woman that she is politely taps her horn if she notices someone failing to slow to 25 MPH in a school zone. Sometimes Madness will be kind enough to cut you off and slam on her brakes demonstrate the proper braking and slowing technique. This morning Madness was politely tapping her horn at the mini van in front of her as she rounded the bend in the road that marks the beginning of the school zone. And to Madness HORROR this minivan did not slow down at her command. Huh? What? Oh.Hell.No.
So, Madness caught up with the evil minivan from hell eh, we'll leave it at that, Madness caught up with the evil minivan from hell at the next light and politely tapped on her horn. THIS was the exchange between Madness and the driver of the evil minivan from hell...for reals.
Madness: "Excuse me, Ma'am. That was a school zone back there and you failed to slow down AT ALL".
Stupid Idiot: "So what are you saying?"
Madness: "Im saying that youre suppose to SLOW DOWN FROM 50 MPH TO 25 MPH when you see those BIG FLASHING YELLOW LIGHTS AND THE BIG SIGN THAT SAYS SCHOOL ZONE 25 MPH"
Stupid Idiot: "I was keeping up with the other cars"
*Imagine* now the LOOK on Madness face when this bit of OH.MY.GOD. what do you call a statement that is SO DAMN STUPID!?!?
Madness: "What!?! You dont "keep up with the other cars" you SLOW DOWN to 25 MPH like youre SUPPOSE TO!!"
Stupid Idiot: "I dont want to argue with you"
Madness: "IDIOT!"
Un.be.lieve.able.
Cancer
My dads loooong time friend Lou, whom he started his law practice with many moons ago, was recently diagnosed with cancer.. Non Hogkins Lymphoma, I believe. Mom died of lung cancer in 1994. This is a hard time for dad :(
I found this blog some time ago...Ive been a lurker .. checking daily for updates. Susan seems to be in remission now. Praise Jeebus.
Keep Lou in your thoughts and prayers. He's undergoing chemo right now.
Dooce has spoken
Dooce has spoken..and as usual..Madness can hear the collective fist pumping in the air ...
Read it here . Along with some lovely photos :)
Madness was left with a deflated balloon feeling after watching Dooce on the Today Show.. deflated and sad. But not sad for myself..sad for the world. You see.. Madness already knows whats so damn special about Dooce and the other blogs like hers out there. What Kathie Lee Gifford and the Today Show did was an injustice to the rest of the folks out there who dont know. Those who dont know may have seen that segment and been all "yeah, MommyBlogging is as lame as I thought it was" and Madness is all NOOOOOO!! Wait!! You got it all wrong. But you know how they are..whatever TV says is law.
Fight Write On Dooce! and the rest of us.. Write On!
Dooce vs. Kathi Lee Gifford ~ Oh the excitement!
Oooohhh baby!! The almighty Dooce is NOT going to take that horseshit from Kathi Lee Gifford lying down ... she's gonna give us all one helluva ride on this one. I know it. Shes gettin started...have a look.
Madness can be a jerkhead asshole too
I admit to intentionally speeding up on the freeway so that someone who is trying to snoid into my lane can't do it (but only when that someone has been obnoxious first). And I am potty-mouth'ish about the whole thing, too. Road rage, anyone?
I admit to failing to push the "door open" button when a last-minute person is trying to get into the elevator. Ha! Gotcha!
argh!! Madness lost the link to the proper credit for this post... can anyone help!?
Mothers Day
Ah yes .. Mothers Day ..
Heres the lovely bouquet of flowers my 8 year old daughter made for her Momma
Madness received lots of lovely handmade tokens of love and appreciation from her babies. Madness is a very lucky and loved Momma. :)
As we speak, Mommas babies are cooking dinner, doing laundry, and cleaning the house while smiling and getting along perfectly with one another fighting over XboX360 and running around the house like crazed animals.
Madness stumbled across this today
and Madness smiled and felt not so alone in the world anymore. Amen.
Happy Mothers Day :)
(cont) Why Madness *thwapped* MaxX
For Part I click here (or maybe NOT because MaxX still hasnt approved my submission!!!)
(these are for MaxX)
awwww look how cute.
and because Madness does NOT want to disappoint! ... here is the ceremonious ridiculous cat in a tin foil hat. *sigh*
You see ... MaxX thinks shit up.And when MaxX thinks shit up the Cosmoshears it. MmmHmm. Madness has told MaxX for years to "write that shit down"!
Al gore believes he invented the internet. While that may be all fine and good, Madness invented the Blog. MmmHmm...she did! You see, when the Cosmos hears MaxX, the Cosmos inevitably hears Madness too. MaxX loves Madness with everything that is MaxX..and then some. If MaxX were to discover an asteroid on a sure and fixed course of destruction that will absolutely obliterate all life on earth ... like they did in Armageddon ... MaxX would say "I want to name her Madness, after my wife. Shes a vicious life sucking bitch from which there is no escape!" .. and MaxX would say that and mean that with all the love and affection in the whole world.
All those years MaxX has spent thinkin shit up Madness has been yellin at MaxX to "write that shit down"! ... The Blog was born. Eh. If Al Gore can get away with sayin he invented the internet with a straight face .. then Madness invented the Blog. Deal with it.
Oh yeah.. why Madness *thwapped* MaxX. Because.. Madness never told MaxX to "go tell anyone just stop telling it all to me" and MaxX knows this. So Madness *thwapped* MaxX. The End.
Madness is going to Hell
Madness is married to MaxX. <-- click to meet MaxX. MaxX has a brilliant mind. And when Madness says brilliant she means scary-genius like. MaxX knows and sees everything ... and the result of this is countless hours of pants peeing entertainment.
MaxX and Madness go on frequent "dates" .. usually to the local WalMart. Our local WalMart has full time greeters. They are mostly old grumpy bitties nice ladies, except this guy:
This is Mr WalmartGreeter. Mr WalmartGreeter is a nice guy. Mr WalmartGreeter greets us every Saturday and we greet him right back. One day, MaxX and Madness were leaving WalMart with our truckload cart of groceries when Madness turns to MaxX and says "MaxX...what ARE you lauging at?" The next thing Madness said was something like this "Thats why youre going to Hell, MaxX". And this is why:
We're just sayin.
*Dooce ~ say it again ~ Dooce! ~ giggle*
Dooce! Yes baby. Madness got assloads impressive traffic (for a newbie blogger who doesnt know crap skipp-ah-dee-dooh-dah about anything blogging). Madness hearts Dooce! too.
Madness blogroll may be kinda short at the moment, shes new to the blog-o-shpere,but Madness hearts two bloggers extra specially. Bossy and Dooce!
Once upon a week or something ago ... Madness had her very first blog orgasmos success!
And I squealed and clapped and squealed. Or something like that. Anywho... Today Madness posted about Dooce! and thats how Madness got assloads of traffic. Yay!
This is Dooce... the blog Gawdess herself...
We shall all bow in wonder and awe.
Remember "Mufasa" .. hehe .. "Say it again" .. "Mufasa Mufasa Mufasa" .. Thats kinda how Madness felt when she realized that blogging about Dooce got her assloads of traffic. yay! ... Mufasa.
Dooce!
Hello readers ... Oh, thats right.. Madness doesnt HAVE readers. And those that DO pop by rarely if ever comment (except you three over there and I am eternally grateful for you)
Anyway... regardless... if any of you who are reading this DONT know who DOOCE is... then PLEASE click HERE and meet Dooce! You can thank Madness later. And you will thank Madness later.
Dooce, welcome home... Madness watched you on The Today Show and I just wanted to reach out and SMACK Kathy Lee Gifford and scream "SHUT UP AND LET DOOCE TALK!!!!" My friend and I were watching the segment together and when Kathy Lee started spewing bullshit talking about "Im not judging but I dont know how I feel about....." we looked at each other and were all *PSHAW* .. Kathy Lee only talked about her BRATS on air every fecking morning for like 50 YEARS .. and brought them on National TV for ALLLL the freaks and creeps to see. Oh I SO wanted to reach out and touch Kathi Lee Gifford! Let. Me. Tell. You.
The Holy Ghost
Recently Madness had a maddening experience with her super fancy expensive budget saving Kodak EasyShare camera ... she called it "The presence of the Holy Ghost" ... have a look.
(please excuse the photo quality .. this is because Madness is at work and had to boost the pics off of her MySpace account from her phone and that just makes for janky quality .. Madness will repost these pics tonight from home with proper quality.. but Madness just wanted to get this post up and out there because Madness is kinda in a FUNK today.)
Do you see it there?? Its all fuzzy and Holy Ghosty looking...
See it there!! Its the Holy Ghost! This drove Madness MAD for days. It did !
So Madness called clicked on Kodaks website and found a nifty feature .. LIVE SUPPORT CHAT!! MmmHmm.
So Madness started talking to some Support JerkfaceTech who said "try downloading blah blah blah-diddy-blah". And Madness was all "What does downloading blah blah blah-diddy-blah have to do with the FUZZY OVEREXPOSED IMIAGE OF THE HOLY GHOST on every photo I take?!?!?" And the Support Jerkface Tech was all "Do you even know what blah blah blah-diddy-blah IS? Or what it DOES? And Madness was all "NO .. but get smart with me again and I'll shoot your face off complain nicely to your superior officer and have you executed FIRED!" .. or someshit. And then Madness was all "Oh just forget it... Im bored with this now"
So then Madness was hit in the head by a falling anvil had a thought and turned the camera around and took a peeksie at the LENSE. And what did Madness find?? Madness has NO CLUE what the heck-a-ma-jeck was on that lense.. but the point is .. Madness no longer has to worry about downloading blah blah blah-diddy-blah and is free to tell the Support Jerkface Tech to "PISS OFF because youre stupid!"
And now.. for your viewing pleasure .. a few more pics of Madness two youngest babies. (These were taken before the Holy Ghost was exercised from the camera.. FYI)
*sigh* Madness is a lucky woman.
The MuchMuch Bigger Picture
Misunderstanding. Miscommunication. Disagreement. Difference of opinion. Arguement. Fight. War.
It is so easy to become consumed by every single thing that isnt "just right", too easy to let every mole hill explode into volcanic destruction. Even things that seem like big, huge, gigantic, enormous life shattering things could become lost and forgotten forever as if they had no meaning at all in the face of a truely catastrophic, life changing or even life ENDING event.
Today is a dark gloomy rainy day...sad day. Maxx and Madness had a rough morning. Details...withheld. Then I came to work and stumbled upon THIS.
My point is... if I woke up tomorrow and had to face the reality of his death ... Id grieve wholy for all of the time we had together that we squandered in favor of anger and argument.
Indiana Prez Primary
Today is Indianas PrezPrimary .. and Madness is gonna VOTE!!
Oh. Hell. Yes. ( Bossy calls him Barack OBoyfriend and OhSoWillMadness)
and if then we could just manage THIS:
then all would be right in the world again. Amen.
Madness TOLD YOU Pete Wentz is Gay
Madness heard the collective *gasp* and *pshaw* from around the world blog-o-sphere when she declared "Pete Wentz is Gay". MmmHmm.. Madness heard it.
Well.. well well well.. look at this and tell Madness Pete Wentz isnt gay.
*PSHAW* IN. YOUR. FACE.
A day at the park .. a story in pictures for your viewing pleasure
Today Madness took three of her brood to the park...
This picture reminds Madness of that Indiana Jones game on ATARI
MmmHmm... I'm old and so.are.you.
PEACE!
because Madness wont allow her babies to throw up "WestSide"!!
and not just because we dont live on the WestSide either!
Yes, thats right .... Mad Skill
2 seconds later Devyn hopped on.. Taryn bit the ... oh, wait.. I already said that in the TEXT.
NO FEAR ... thats right baby ... NO. FEAR.
In case you were wondering .. Madness rocks a hawt ponytail. MmmHmm.
and since Madness didnt want Taco Bell to think she was just there to use their bathroom... Madness had Taco Bell fetch her a free cup of WATER too.
Home again Home again... jigg-ah-tey jig.
U F O
And since Madness is new to trying to be just.like.bossy
this is what the text says:
Bossy has a seagull... Madness has a UFO
MmmHmm ... a U.F.O.
Iron Man..er..Men
Ok, so this may not be the bestest pic of Mr Downey Jr but Madness likes it :)
""Enter Robert Downey Jr., riding to the rescue, a glass of Scotch in his hand and a sardonic smile on his lips. "" - CNN
Madness doesnt know what sardonic means but she is pretty sure it means SEXY. MmmHmm.
Maxx has Madness all excited about Iron Man.. You see, Maxx is an amazing story teller and a phenomenal writer... (more about that later). Point is .. Maxx can tell a mean story. He has an astonishing memory... and astounding recall of detail. The man is truly talented in oh.so.many.ways.
Oh yeah, Iron Man. Madness didnt know squat about Iron Man or any of the Marvel legends. Poor Maxx didnt realize he was marrying such a dummkopf (that means 'mentally dull person'). *sigh* So Maxx has had the monumental task of trying to learn Madness in all areas of human existence.
Soooo anyway .. one day Maxx said "Madness!" (only he doenst call me Madness outloud.. he calls me "Wife" and Madness thinks that is OH.SO.DREAMY.) "Madness!! Look at THIS!!"
And Madness was enamored .. overcome with affection and admiration for Maxx as she stood there and listened to him tell her the story of Iron Man. *sigh*
And it certainly helped that Maxx is oh.so.sexy just like Robert Downey Jr.
MmmHmm.
Oh hell no I think I pissed my pants
I apologize right now to everyone in the blog-o-sphere and everyone within a 30 mile radius of here .. for I was the source of the mind scraping SQUEAL that woke you all this morning. Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry.
But you see.. I had such good reason to behave in such an uncontrollable manic way (please dont tell my doctor, please dont tell my doctor, please dont tell my doctor)
THIS IS WHY I woke you all with that mind scraping SQUEAL :
Oh.My.Gawdess.Yes. B O S S Y wuz here! I cant believe it. Bossy, the BOSS of the BLOG, read my last post and left a comment. MmmHmm.. she did. *sigh*
And now I'm expected to umm.. work.. or something for the rest of the day. PSHHAW!
"What does Madness DO for a living that gives her so much time to read and write blogs?" you ask. Well, Madness has what you might call a cush job. MmmHmm. Madness works for a group of sorry ass suckers surgeons and all Madness has to do is sit here and wait for that thing to ring. Seriously.
Oh, and FYI... yes, we talk about you and how stupid you are when we hang up with you. ;)
Mind of Madness
Monday morning in the Mind of Madness sounded a little like this
*crank* ~ *sputter* ~ *silence*
*crank* ~ *sputter* ~ *silence*
this went on for HOURS about 3 minutes before MaxX came outside to see what the trouble was. whats the trouble whats the trouble whats the trouble??? Hmm .. the thingy isnt making the thingy do what its suppose to do when I do this with that thing.
THATS the trouble. *sigh*
Were any of you wondering what $5 of the blood of Christ unleaded gasoline looks like? I happen to know what five whole dollars worth of the blood of Christ unleaded gasoline looks like.. and let.me.tell.you. it aint much. *sigh*
So after the tablespoon of the blood of Christ gasoline was inserted into the rear of my (oh my.. ahem) so after the the blood of Christ gasoline was dribbled into the tank, the thingy made the thingy do what it was suppose to do when I did that to it and I was OFF to start my day. Fifteen minutes later I slide into work 13 minutes late. Oh. Um. Yay. Six minutes after that Im on the phone with the "IT" guy. Why? Because Madness changed her password on Friday and Madness has no freakin idea what she changed it to.. so Madness had to admit that shes a total fuck up having a bad day.
Then Madness opened her email and what did Madness find?
A love note from these folks
MmmHmm .. they are bringing Madness this little number
MmmHmm .. thats my sexy new baby phone. She will be mine tomorrow.
My best friend Bossy is home from Bossys Excellent Road Trip ... 10, 000 miles, all around the country in 5 weeks. Read all about it at www.iambossy.com
You might also check out www.mariabamford.com THAT bitch is fuh-nee.
Congrats Bossys Son
Madness hearts Bossy.
Bossys son is a high school graduate .. he earned early admission to Columbia University.
Madness wanted to say "Congrats Bossys Son" from the MadLands.
If you wanna go say "Congrats Bossys Son" click here and show The Bossys some love.
And if You're all .."Blahblah Bossy this and Blahblah Bossy that, Madness is always going on about Bossy".. the you really need to go over there and let Bossy have a word.
Madness promises not to say "I told you so" when you come back and You're all "Bossy is the Boss!"
I'll just say I know.
For those of you lunkheads who really seriously dont click on over there, this is the love Madness gave the Bossys:
Bossy,
You are absolutly stunning in this photo. Youve captured not only your beauty but the beauty that is the pride, love and adoration for the life you and Bossys Husband gave to this world.The life that you do by all rights, OWN.Dont let Bossys son forget this as he goes off to College.
Love you Bossy and Bossys Family,
Madness
Madness is always forgetting her manners.
Bossys Son,
Rock On Man.. Rock on.This is the culmination of so much hard work..but remember that this too is the beginning of everything that is to come.Youve got this world in your hand.Dont loose your grip on it. Its yours.
Madness Teenage Daughter tends to roll her eyes when her mother says these things to her.And Madness says "Daughter..Im Serious".And Madness Teenage Daughter knows.
Madness
~*~MadStory Time~*~
A MadLands Original
~*~Mad StoryTime~*~
BEOWOLF
MaxX and Madness went on a date to the movie store, because we are so hard core like that.MaxX bought Beowolf (Directors Cut). Madness could conclude her summary of Beowolf in one word.
Awesome.
But Madness has always been wordy ..
So stay tuned while Madness goes and hammers this out.
Need and to Be Needed
This is a story about needing someone and about being needed by someone.
Princess Brit and Sir Rotham were seperated today. [circumstance withheld] .. they were seperated today.
Brit was moved into her own sleeping quarters and Rotham was left alone in the deluxe apartment in the sky formerly shared kennel. Brit and Rotham whined and cried like brats for each other. Whined and cried each other to sleep in their own sleeping quarters.
At some point.. Princess Brittania Onasis climbed out of her kennel and back into the deluxe apartment in the sky formerly shared kennel.
This is remarkable and blog worthy because Princess BritBrit can barely see over the top of either kennel when shes on her tippy tippy hind legs.
But Princess BritBrit needed to be with Rotham, and Rotham was needed.
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